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Opinion

Fighting for Internet freedom on two fronts

by Tara Richter Smith on

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Never mind that public opposition shut down internet regulation laws SOPA and PIPA in the United States. Never mind that protestors in the European Union managed to delay the progress of their version, ACTA, through the courts so that (knowing European bureaucracy) the law may never in fact be enacted. Now it’s Canada’s turn to try to weasel punitive Internet laws through parliament that censor users  and infringe on personal privacy. Oh Harper, you sneaky one, you.

The two parliamentary bills are C-11 and C-30. While C-11 is benignly called the Copyright Modernization Act, C-30 has a catchier title: the Protecting Children from Internet Predators Act. According to Public Safety Minister’s Vic Toews, you “either stand with us or with the child pornographers.” There’s no question here about who the good guys are. Society, myself included, generally disapproves of child pornographers. According to Mr. Toews’ ultimatum, however, I will have to stand with the child pornographers on this one.

The majority of Canadians, according to an Angus Reid poll, also stand with the child pornographers, and for good reason: naming this bill the “Protecting Children from Internet Predators Act” is misleading, if not a flat-out lie. C-30, from what I understand, has less to do with cracking down on Internet predators than creating an Orwellian surveillance system. The bill includes a provision that allows the government to force Internet providers to disclose subscriber data without a warrant. These data are not simply names, addresses, and phone numbers, which the government already has. We’re talking about our email addresses, email and text message content, what websites we’ve visited, and what digital transactions like uploading and downloading we’ve made. And since global positioning systems have built-in tracking devices, police would be able to—again, without a warrant—activate these devices and find you, wherever you are, to figure out what you’re doing, whenever you’re doing it. If this isn’t Big Brother watching you, I don’t know what is.

Ironically, as this bill has been proposed by the Conservative government, the province that is offended most by warrantless citizen-stalking is Alberta, which, with its love of beef, oil, and conservatism, has always reminded me of the Canadian version of Texas. I find Alberta’s opposition to the bill comforting: if the most Conservative province in Canada does not support these acts, why is Harper’s government proposing it?

Scarily enough, if the government doesn’t pass these acts, Big Brother will still be watching us, just from a more capitalist platform. We are already user-profiled and monitored by social media giants like Google and Facebook. Google being the largest of my concerns, I recently deleted my entire account, losing Youtube and my blog in the process, only to discover that the smartphone I use for web-browsing purposes is an Android, which also belongs to Google. I comfort myself with the knowledge that Androids are composed of non-official open-source software, but the reality is that I really can’t escape Google’s clutches. They know where I am, whenever they want to.

Apparently this is for my convenience. Google has now secured a patent on a novel technology that allows them to monitor and broadcast environmental data from my phone. The idea, according to the patent document, is that if Google’s server discovers I am in the middle of Texas in summertime, I will receive a text message advertising air conditioners. If I am caught in downpour, I will be directed towards the nearest umbrella stand. If I am facing frostbite in Montreal winter, Google will kindly remind me to buy a winter coat.

Convenience, according to this example, is terrifyingly intrusive. I know mobiles can already be traced, making C-30’s provisions for citizen stalking possible, but the idea of a constant communication loop between Google’s server and my mobile as part of an advertising scheme is creepy. We have a right to privacy. We should be able to send emails without governments peeking over our shoulders and we should be able to step outside with our phones without our steps being monitored by multi-million-dollar organizations. Public opposition to similar laws shut them down in the US and the EU, and as the Conservatives put forward these bills, it’s Canada’s turn to speak up.

News

Faculty of religious studies holds discussion on whether sacred texts promote religious intolerance

by Kyle Ng on

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On March 28, the faculty of religious studies hosted an event co-sponsored by the Canadian Christian-Jewish Consultation to discuss the question: “Do our sacred texts promote religious intolerance?” Held in the Birks Heritage Chapel, the panel featured Rabbi Lisa Grushcow, Professor of Biblical Studies Ian Henderson, and Imam Habeeb Alli, who shared how their respective experiences and religious training has shaped their views of the potential relationship between sacred texts and religious intolerance.

“Understanding the various factors that contribute to intolerance and violence among and within religious traditions is an important research question in religious studies,” Ellen Aitken, dean of the faculty of religious studies, said. “In light of the central role of scriptures and sacred texts in many religions, it is essential to explore how such texts are used not only in ways that are beneficial but also [serve] to divide and harm.”

Throughout the evening, all three scholars highlighted the particular importance of interpretation by sharing passages from sacred texts that could be read as promoting intolerance depending on the interpretation. Grushcow shared the troubling story of Phinehas in Numbers 25, Henderson discussed early Christian-Jewish relations referenced in 1 Thessalonians 2, and Alli cited some violent passages of the Qur’an used to promote intolerance, war, and even wife-beating.

“It is how we choose to read that is key,” Grushcow said. The scholars agreed that in each of the cases presented the way in which the text is read is crucial to understanding its meaning and purpose.

Henderson encouraged the audience to address sacred texts like tools.

“[Sacred texts] are intelligently designed, and thus we need to discern their purpose [in order to understand them],” he said. “These texts cannot mean anything [we] want [them] to mean.”

One English literature and religious studies student, who could only be identified as Mark, thought this metaphor was the defining moment of the night.

“I think that Professor Henderson’s idea of ‘Sacred Texts’ being collections of tools, or implements that can be used in different ways, was especially insightful,” he said. “It’s not a matter of ‘sugar-coating’ a religion to find a more humane approach within the passages of its scriptures, but rather a matter of continuing the millennial tradition of discovering different meanings in its pages.”

Alli then described his work battling religious intolerance brought about by improper interpretations of the Qur’an. He explained the dichotomy between Salafists and rationalists, and how difficult verses such as “slay them wherever ye catch them,” have often been misquoted and misused.

Throughout the night participants in the discussion came to the consensus that the question of a link between sacred texts and religious intolerance is not a simple question to answer—it is still a very prominent dilemma that members of all three faiths face. However, scholars and students alike agreed that, while we should cherish tolerance, it should not be viewed as an end goal, but rather as the start of something better.

“As a Christian, I think there [are] definitely parts of the Bible where it does seem to suggest intolerance, but I am often reminded by peers to look at the bigger picture: what does God have in mind for these people?” Victor Lam, U1 in McGill’s sustainability, science, and society program, said. “Tolerance is a first step, but in tolerating others, we must also learn to accept others.”

News

VP Pedneault among students excluded from campus

by Kyla Mandel on

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On March 26, the McGill administration excludedSSMU VP External Joël Pedneault and two other anonymous McGill students from the McGill campus until Friday, March 30, a total of five days.

Pedneault’s exclusion from the campus followed an incident after an UQAM professor held his class in room 348 of the Frank Dawson Adams Building on McGill campus Monday. According toPedneault, the action was intended as a means to work around the strike currently occurring on theUQAM campus.

Pedneault was invited by the UQAM Science Students’ Association to observe and potentially mediate the class discussion, and was the only McGill student in attendance, along with five or six people from the UQAM student association, and approximately 10 students attending the class.

“There was no picket line, just people explaining that they’re on strike and that they should respect the strike,” he said. “It was really peaceful, just a discussion. People were discussing the merits of the student strike.”

After 45 minutes, the UQAM professor cancelledclass, and it was around this time, according toPedneault, that a McGill security agent arrived.Pedneault said the security agent stayed for a couple of minutes after having been called by theUQAM professor.

Pedneault received an email a few hours later from Associate Dean (Student Affairs) AndreCostopoulos stating that “I have reasonable grounds to believe that your continued presence on campus is detrimental to good order.”Pedneault’s exclusion from campus falls under Article 21(a) of the Code of Student Conduct and Disciplinary Procedures, and the email concluded stating that “At the end of this period, I will decide whether I want to recommend an extension of your exclusion under Article 21.”

“It’s kind of a troubling situation, in the sense that they basically have the ability to exclude people from campus with very vague reasons and there’s no clear way to contest it,” Pedneault said.

“This is also not the first time that McGill filed disciplinary proceedings against me,” he added. “In a way it’s not surprising. I’m a strong advocate of certain political positions.”

According to Pedneault, the two other students who received similar emails informing them of their exclusion from campus had been distributing flyers with information about the student strike outside of a class whose student association had voted to go on strike.

McGill’s blog regarding demonstrations outlines that “Most offences under the code and most circumstances that lead to exclusion from campus under Article 21(a) involve allegations and reliable preliminary evidence of repeated and systematic infringement of the rights of others in one form or another.”

“Peaceful assembly, free expression, demonstration—those are never a problem,”Costopoulos explained.

Costopoulos was unable to comment on specific cases, however he noted that instances such as students who physically block access to classrooms or students who continue to pursue discussion on political topics with disregard to a professor’s attempts to begin lecture, could fall under breaches of the code if allegations were submitted.

“There are some grey areas there, I agree,”Costopoulos said of the code of student conduct. “The basic question that you need to ask yourself always is, is there an infringement on someone else’s rights in what I’m doing … If you’re infringing [on] somebody’s rights then probably it’s anoffence under the code.”

“It’s clear in my mind that it’s an explicitly political move on the part of the university,” Pedneault said. “All of the three people who were banned from campus support the student strike and part of the student movement and it’s definitely in relation to that.”

“No one is facing disciplinary action for free expression or demonstration or for assembly,”Costopoulos said. “The only cases that I’m aware of are cases in which there’s a specific breach of the code of student conduct.”

McGill’s blog, however, notes that “Article 21(a) is not itself a disciplinary sanction, and that it does not constitute evidence of a breach of the code of student conduct.”

The email Pedneault received from McGill explained that special arrangements could be made if he needed to be on campus during his five day exclusion “for any valid academic reason.”Pedneault has since been granted permission from Costopoulos to be in the Shatner Building last Thursday from 9 a.m. to 6 p.m. and from 2 p.m. to 5 p.m. on Friday, March 30.

These arrangements enabled Pedneault to continue his work as VP External this week, however he said the exclusion had an effect on his ability do his work.

“It’s slowing down the kind of work that I can do, not in a very significant kind of way but in a way that’s definitely annoying,” he said.

Pedneault is currently attempting to follow through with Student Advocacy as well as with VP University Affairs Emily Yee Clare on the potential abuses Article 21(a) can invoke due to an unclear appeals process.

Arts & Entertainment

Nicki Minaj: Pink Friday: Roman Reloaded

by Nick Petrillo on

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Though her 2010 debut Pink Friday was a ham-handed combination of rap lyrics mixed with pop hooks, Nicki Minaj’s latest release, Pink Friday: Roman Reloaded, is a more expansive look into her scatterbrained imagination, whose presence somehow feels even more abrasive this time around.

Starting with her hectic delivery on “Roman Reloaded,” which zigzags between short-of-breath word association and aggressive, maniacal faux-Brit vocals, the track introduces Roman Zolanski, her alter ego of sorts. Fearing that her persona lacked a certain element of mystique, the Zolanskicharacter pops in and out briefly, yet the true mystery here is why Minaj would dedicate the album to such a minor and silly premise.

Minaj’s total embrace of her own wackiness means that songs similar in sound to her previous pop hits are given comparatively less attention here. The odds of radio-friendly filler tracks like “Starships” and “Automatic” achieving the same level of success as “Super Bass” and “Check it Out” are slim to none; her dance songs only go through the motions of synth-infused bubblegumpop and then dismiss themselves accordingly.

Her artistic focus rests solely on creating a hyperactive and wacky caricature of herself, and in doing so, she has essentially boxed herself within these confines. It’s a gimmick that gets old pretty fast, though perhaps in moderation it could be more tolerable.

Nicki Minaj has never cared much for profundity; nor should we expect any. If Roman Reloadedaccomplishes anything, it will let the world know that, try as she may, her music is more fun when the wackiness isn’t forced.

—Nick Petrillo

Student Life

Millions participate in sixth annual Earth Hour

by Kyla Mandel on

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I bet that if you gave me three guesses, I would be able to tell you what you did this past Saturday night. Eat? Drink? Turned your lights off for an hour for Earth Hour?  I’m sure all of you were dedicated environmentalists, and made sure that no matter where you were, you turned the lights out, lit some candles, and contemplated issues such as melting glaciers and carbon emissions.

But if that wasn’t the way you spent your Saturday night, you probably checked Facebook or Twitter at least once. So, let me tell you a little bit about what happened that evening, and what social media has to do with it.

Saturday, March 31 at 8:30 p.m. was the sixth annual Earth Hour, which saw 150 countries and a staggering 6,494 towns and cities come together around the globe to embrace the darkness and raise awareness about climate change.

Starting in 2007, Earth Hour was organized by the World Wildlife Fund (WWF) in Sydney, Australia when 2.2 million individuals and 2,100 businesses participated in the hour of action. The following year, Toronto was the next city to join in the action, and shortly after an additional 35 countries and roughly 400 cities decided to tag along. Each year more and more cities and people have joined the global Earth Hour event.

Scheduling it for the last Saturday of every March allows the event to occur around the equinox, meaning that as the hour ticks closer, it will be dark in most cities, making the blackout an effective statement. In addition, world-renowned landmarks such as the Sydney Opera House and the Eiffel Tower turn off their lights for a dramatic change of pace. Some notable additions this year included the International Space Station and the UN Secretary General’s office, according to Earth Hour website.

511 cities participated across Canada this year and landmarks such as the CN Tower, Niagara Falls, and Montreal’s Cross on Mount Royal all shut off their lights for the hour.

“Many of these iconic buildings, monuments, and places are lit up at night. People look to them as sources of identity, as touchstones of belonging and meaning. Turning lights off on Angkor, the Acropolis, or the Sydney Opera House among others is a strong symbol. A symbol to help us see the world differently,” UNESCO Director-General Irina Bokova said.

Across Asia, records have been broken and social media has helped play a crucial role in increased participation. Not only did ‘Happy Earth Hour’ become the world’s number one trend on Twitter by the time Southeast Asia turned off the lights, but in India an MTV Unplugged concert held in New Delhi was powered with alternative energy and owed its massive turnout to social media networks. In China, hundreds of university students gathered at the Great Wall of China to show their support for the environment, and according to the Twitter account of the U.S. Embassy in Seoul, 74,502 buildings in South Korea turned off their lights for Earth Hour.

“Social media is not just connecting the world but is becoming the primary organizing tool for citizens to take action. People from over 150 countries across the globe are harnessing the power of online platforms to physically care for the future of the planet,” Earth Hour Co-Founder and Executive Director Andy Ridley said in a press release on April 1, 2012.

So, while some argue that turning off the lights doesn’t do anything substantial to fight climate change, the point isn’t just to reduce carbon emissions during that one hour. The global effort to band together and visually display commitment is a symbolic action, demonstrating that the world must act if it wants to preserve the environment for future generations.

“Turning off our lights is a symbol of our commitment to sustainable energy for all,” said UN Secretary General, Ban Ki-moon in a recorded public message. “We need to fuel our future with clean, efficient, and affordable energy. By acting together today, we can power a brighter tomorrow.”

Student Life

Reasons why you should study outside this spring

by Jacqui Galbraith on

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1. Sunlight is a proven mood enhancer. When you’re getting large doses of sunshine, your body creates vitamin D, which helps prevent osteoporosis, some forms of cancer, and depression, among other things. After months of winter cold and gloom, the sheer contrast of a warm, sunny day might be all that’s needed to cheer you up.

2. Fresh air helps improve focus and concentration. Campus libraries can get incredibly stuffy when the temperature soars outside, leaving you overheated and drowsy. Even if it’s a humid day outside, an occasional breeze will come along and perk you back up should you find yourself sliding into a heat induced stupor.

3. Studying outdoors is more social. It’s way easier to get together a group of friends to head down to lower field with some books than it is to round up a library contingent. Once you get to the library, it can be difficult to study as a group, given the atmosphere.

4. You can work on your base tan while you study. What better way to multi task than to soak up some rays while analyzing the philosophical and moral implications of the meat industry? Throw on yourfavourite pair of shorts, grab your flip flops, sunscreen, and sunglasses, and give a classic beach day a productive twist.

5. It’s more interesting to people watch outside than in the library. In a library, everyone is so absorbed in their own work that they really aren’t doing anything interesting. Outside, the scenery is ever-changing, as people constantly walk past, absorbed in a myriad of interesting conversations. So when you need a break from studying you can watch people throwing around a Frisbee, or sitting down to eat. No matter what little distraction you prefer, it’s a much more dynamic environment than the library.

6. You can eat outside; you can’t eat in the library. All that studying is bound to work up an appetite, which in the library means you’re out of luck. Unless you have superior food sneaking skills, or you’re willing to take a break from studying, working outside is your best bet. You can munch on fruit or a granola bar while still working through your readings, therefore maximizing efficiency. Who doesn’t love a picnic?

7. You don’t feel as overwhelmed by your work because you keep your perspective when you study outside. It’s easier to take small breaks to keep your focus from completely giving out rather than suffering a burn out from working five straight hours in the library. There’s nothing better than taking a quick snooze in the sun!

8. Studying outside provides you with natural light. Studies have shown that natural light is better to read by than artificial light, and results in fewer headaches. We all know that gross feeling when you’ve been staring at the same computer screen for hours, and think that you couldn’t possibly read any more. Studying outside gives you all the light you need, and keeps your attention from fizzling too quickly.

9. You can sit or lie in more positions outside than you can in the library or at a desk (unless you’re a bed studier). All you need is a simple blanket and a tree to lean against, and you have a whole new world of possibilities. You want to lie on your stomach? No problem. Or on your back and balance your books on your knees? Go ahead. After all, creative sitting positions equal creative essay ideas. You can’t argue with that logic.

10. You don’t have to fight for space outside as much as you do in a library. There is more of the outdoors to go around than there are desks in a library. Sure, everyone else might want to study outside too, but there are plenty of great spots all around campus and downtown to set up shop. You could try Forbes field, the Redpath museum steps, or the patio space at the Second Cup on Parc, just to name a few.

Arts & Entertainment

Great Lake Swimmers: New Wild Everywhere

by Alex Knoll on

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Fans of Great Lake Swimmers can stop holding their breath—the band has released New Wild Everywhere, their first release since 2009’s Lost Channels. The new tracks sound strangely familiar, as is the nature of Tony Dekker’s wonderfully peaceful voice, and with the exception of a few songs with feet-stomping appeal (“Easy Come Easy Go,” “Changes with the Wind”), most of the album is a soothing and easy listen.

The album opens with “Think That You Might Be Wrong,” a quiet number rich with strings and lovely vocal harmonies. The title track “New Wild Everywhere” observes the dark side of nature and is probably the catchiest of the album.

Great Lake Swimmers have a history of recording in unique locations, including an abandoned grain silo and a lakeside church in Southern Ontario, but they ventured into a conventional recording studio for the majority of New Wild Everywhere. The one exception is “The Great Exhale,” which was recorded in the Lower Bay Station, an abandoned subway platform in Toronto (although it sounds as if it were recorded in a meadow of fresh flowers).

Ending the album is “Les Champs De Progeniture,” a French translation of a previous song on the record, “Fields of Progeny.” Though finishing with French lyrics is a bit peculiar, the song puts a nice ribbon on the overall folksy feel of the album.

New Wild Everywhere isn’t a big departure from the sound of their previous albums, but the stable familiarity of their music is comforting. Each new album offers a sense of security, and this one is no different.

 

—Alex Knoll

Science & Technology

Study gadgets

by Iain Macdonald on

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With summer just around the corner, students are gearing up for one of the more stressful times of year—exams. While there’s nothing that can make your final exams completely pain-free, these gadgets might help you cope with them.

StayFocusd

Studying was difficult before the age of distractions. Now, in the time of Internet and smartphones, it’s easier than ever to get sidetracked. StayFocusd is a plugin for Google’s Chrome browser which lets you control how much time you spend on procrastination sites, from Facebook to Reddit and Tumblr. Simply install it and set your preferences.There are similar plugins available for Firefox, such as Leechblock. Of course, all of these tools require you to have the self-restraint to refrain from simply opening up another browser, but sometimes a gentle reminder that you’ve already spent four hours on Facebook today is enough to get you through the first lecture for your final tomorrow.

Alarm Clock XTreme

Nothing is less fun than sleeping through an exam. Fortunately, there are applications you can download for your smartphone that are sure to wake you up on time. Alarm Clock XTreme can be configured to force you to solve a math problem, or ten, when you wake up. If division isn’t your forte, you can also configure the app to only turn off after being shaken vigorously. Alarm Clock XTremealso lets you configure how many “snoozes” you can use, and how long each one lasts. Alarm Clock XTreme is only available for Android, and it seems that the math feature isn’t as widely available on iOS devices. The free version is supported by ads, or you can pay $2 for the ad-free version.

Google Calendar

Time management is key to successful studying. Whatever your calendar or to-do application of choice is, use it religiously to schedule your study time, and keep track of when and where your exams are. Google Calendar supports multiple different calendars, many different colours, and features the ability to invite others to events you’re hosting (study party, anyone?). Google Calendar synchronizes to your Google account, so that it’s updated with you wherever you have an Internet connection. Additionally, it sports a to-do list to keep track of all the lectures you need to catch up on. The application is free to use.

While it might be easy to get distracted while studying, try to refrain, for the sake of your GPA. Hopefully, with the help of these tools, you can spend more time studying, and less time getting ready to study.

Science & Technology

Microsoft’s UEFI is anti-competitive

by Iain Macdonald on

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The difference between software and hardware has long been somewhat blurry. Software is a vital part in any computer system, from supercomputersto smart phones, yet the software on a device can be largely independent from the hardware. For now, consumers have the freedom to choose the software they would like to power their devices. That might be about to change, though.

Almost all computers start up using a process which relies on the basic input/output system, or BIOS for short. The process involves a few steps. First, the processor must load a special program from non-erasable memory. This program describes how to load another program from a special place on the computer’s hard disk. The processor then loads the program from the hard disk, which describes how to continue loading the operating system.

The BIOS system generally works well. Users can install any operating system on their computer by simply altering the program stored on the hard drive. But because the BIOS system is so simple, the boot process can be the target of malicious programs. By modifying the contents of the boot program stored on the hard drive, viruses can load themselves before the operating starts, thereby gaining control of the operating system, while remaining invisible. This is a major security concern.

To try and resolve this issue, many vendors have agreed to phase out the BIOS system in favour of the Unified Extensible Firmware Interface firmware-to-software boot process, or UEFI for short. UEFI was developed years ago, and contains some impressive, though potentially restrictive improvements over its predecessor. One of the biggest changes is UEFI’s secure boot feature. With secure boot, the processor checks the program it loads from the hard drive before executing the second-stage loader. If the program is different from expected, the computer won’t start. This means that UEFI can be made to restrict which operating systems it will boot.

UEFI secure boot is a great improvement in the security of the boot process, but at great cost to user freedom. Secure boot makes it more difficult for users to install other operating systems and gives hardware vendors unreasonable control over what software runs on the device. Microsoft is one company that plans to take advantage of this by restricting the boot process on tablet computers they sell. Fortunately, they haven’t mentioned intentions to do this in the PC market.

Microsoft’s use of UEFI secure boot is an anti-competitive means of bundling their software with hardware. The company is familiar with piggybacking on near-monopolies. In 1998, Microsoft was sued and found in violation of antitrust laws for abusing their monopoly in the operating systems market to promote Internet Explorer.

Apple has had a similar experience in being over-restrictive with its software. In 2010, U.S. courts declared Jailbreaking iPhones legal, in spite of Apple’s objections. Jailbreaking refers to the process where a user’s privilege level is increased. This allows users to install applications through sources other than the App Store. The ruling effectively said that it was unreasonable for Apple to control which applications could and could not be installed on an iPhone.

When I buy a new computer or tablet, I want the freedom to run whatever software I like on my device. I’m not renting the device from anyone—it belongs to me, and as long as I’m not using it for anything illegal, what I do with it is entirely my decision. UEFI isn’t a bad idea; it’s a brilliant improvement in a long outdated system. However, there need to be checks in place to prevent unnecessary restrictions on the user. And, for now at least, regulation should keep hardware and software somewhat separate.

—Iain Macdonald

Joke

Joke Issue: The Grand Coverup of Canadian Cricket

by Sir Richard Crumpet on

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bp.blogspot.com

The mention of Namibia does not seem to be generating the intense excitement I expected. When I ask Canadians whether they are looking forward to Canada Cricket’s international tour to Namibia this week, I am not getting a euphoric fist-pump of a yes in reply; instead, they tend to look puzzled and shake their heads, often confiding that they did not know Canada had a cricket team, and occasionally pointing out that they did not actually know where Namibia is. I concluded that most Canadians did not care about the valiant exploits of their cricket team, let alone what cricket even is. What a damn shame.

Yet one friend I asked did not conform to this rule. He responded that he was very excited for Namibia. But then a strange thing happened: he caught himself like an actor delivering the wrong line of a script, and he attempted, with eyes shifting from side to side and with his face reddening, to say that he did not know anything about Namibia. Two men in suits and dark glasses came out of nowhere, and hurried over to where we were sitting. They claimed to be the uncles of my friend and quickly escorted him away.

I smelled a rat. The investigative journalist in me knew exactly what was going on here-a national cover up of Canadian cricket, And the investigative journalist in me would not stop until I had discovered why.

Trawling through the Canadian National Archives, I found some evidence which only added to the mystery of cricket’s low profile in Canada: first, Canada  actually played the world’s first international cricket match in 1844, began over 30 years before the Ashes, the now-famous Test Cricket matchup between England and Australia; second, in 1867 cricket was named as the national sport of Canada by prime minister John A. Macdonald; third, Canada actually beat Australia, one of the world’s best teams at the time, as recently as 1974. At this point, a sinister-looking archivist interrupted my research, warning that if I did not leave right away, “there would be trouble.” 

Further research was hard to come by. I was trailed by men in suits, my apartment was searched, and my phone was tapped. Eventually I stumbled on the crucial information that put the jigsaw into place: Canada has won two cricket matches in World Cup history, one against Bangladesh in 2003, one against Kenya in 2011. However, the strange thing was, it almost seemed as if the other matches they played were close, but they underperformed. Suddenly it seemed obvious-Canadian cricket is part of a conspiracy for world cup domination. They are deliberately covering up their cricketing credentials by underplaying,  allowing Canada to take the world by storm over the next few years, catching each team in their complacency, and sending Canada on in a glorious and unstoppable waltz to a World Cup triumph in 2015. 

So be warned, world. Cricket Canada is planning global dominance, and it will all begin in Namibia.

[Full disclosure: the author is a failed investigative journalist, desperate for any sort of publicity]

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