For the Divine Right of Groundhogs

The media is rich with speculation about The Most Honourable Punxsutawney Phil, the Pennsylvania native behind everyone’s favourite holiday: Groundhog Day. Some doubt his immortality—140 years of age is abnormal for a groundhog—but Phil is no ordinary groundhog. Others argue his eternal rule is undemocratic, a violation of popular will. //Au contraire!// Phil is a guardian of the United States and its people. No other hog could match his talent for serving the nation. 

Look into his piercing eyes and dare question his coat’s lustre. His fur, denoting royal lineage, allows him to sip the Elixir of Life, a nectar every bit as crucial to the nation’s well-being as water.

Phil protects his nation, dictating appropriate February attire since 1886. In fact, he leverages his power to safeguard his country’s freedom. During the heat of World War II, Phil withheld a prediction altogether, unwilling to risk handing such potent climate information to enemies.

Those who doubt Phil’s accuracy only have themselves to blame. Climate change has rendered unrecognizable the weather patterns Phil once knew like the back of his furry little paw. Sustainable climate action must accelerate—not simply for the planet, but for Phil.

Phil is a father and husband. He lives in a humble stump with his kin, devoted to the traditional values that make America great—protecting his burrow, serving his country, and speaking America’s true language: Groundhogese. 

Quebec’s Fred la Marmotte’s recent passing is a poignant reminder that the U.S. is fortunate to have an immortal groundhog like Phil. Hopefully, his Canadian disciples will begin producing their own Elixir of Life, so that this painful transition of power between Freds might be the last.

All hail Most Honourable Punxsutawney Phil! 

His divine power shall endure, protecting governmental institutions and serving as a beacon of hope for political order everywhere. 

For a groundhog democracy

Tyranny corrupts even the best of groundhogs, and groundhog predictions are crucial for national security. The selection process cannot be left to nepotism. Yet Fred la Marmotte Junior did not earn his power; he inherited it after his father’s death. 

Groundhogs are Quebecers too, and they deserve a voice in groundhog authority. They are jolly participants in the province’s community events, such as the Canadian Grand Prix, where they eagerly await their favourite Formula 1 drivers at the finish line. 

At the Davos World Economic Forum, Prime Minister Mark Carney called for middle powers to pivot away from reliance on and imitation of the ultra-powerful. Might does not make right, a message that the young Fred ought to heed. His American counterpart, Punxsutawney Phil, has consolidated power, causing harm even here in Montreal by exploiting the rich local groundhog labour market.

As any McGill student who has spent time near Upper Residences knows, groundhogs are abundant in Montreal. Their prevalence has created tension at the Notre-Dame-des-Neiges cemetery, where they were discovered digging up graves.

No one should have to worry about groundhogs frolicking with their deceased family members. The root of this problem must be addressed. In this context, Phil’s Elixir of Life now appears troubling. How exactly is his serum crafted, and why is the recipe kept secret? Perhaps nefarious necromancy is afoot.

Clearly, Phil is outsourcing his vile elixir production process to Montreal, taking advantage of the weaker Canadian dollar and the large supply of groundhog labour to excavate bones for his mystical potion. Montrealers are subsidizing an American groundhog’s immortality, as loved ones are snatched from their resting places to fulfill the fancies of a tyrant.

Fred’s arbitrarily bestowed power must be redistributed to the people. 

All groundhogs should cooperate under one Union of the Groundhogs, by the Groundhogs, for the Groundhogs. Under this union, democracy shall be a vessel for careful experimentation with participants’ shadows and conscientious debate, leading to deliberative surveys and a unified announcement of the season’s upcoming weather. 

Down with the Divine Right of groundhogs. Long live groundhog democracy.