Dick Cheney was arrested yesterday afternoon for shoplifting at Walgreen’s in the Georgetown neighborhood of Washington, D.C. Police stated that Cheney thought he could now get over-the-counter medication for free. Cheney allegedly had eaten too much pizza on Saturday night, and was experiencing some mild heartburn when he decided to go to the local pharmacy.

Adding confusion to the situation is the widespread rumour that Cheney had his heart removed in 2002, shortly before the Iraq War. This makes heartburn improbable. However, Dr. Oz clarified the situation, saying that “heartburn is actually due to acid in the stomach, and unrelated to the actual heart.” It is still unclear if Cheney has a heart, although recent reactions to healthcare reform would suggest that he does not.

“Democrats are really misleading the country,” Cheney said in a statement from an undisclosed location, “They’re advocating for free healthcare, but I can’t even get my Pepcid AC for free. It’s not fair that I’m not fully covered.”

Last week, President Obama signed legislation that would guarantee healthcare to nearly all Americans. The bill does not make many provisions for people who already have healthcare, nor does it impose cheaper prices on prescription and over-the-counter pharmaceuticals.

It is still unclear why Cheney, who receives health insurance from the U.S. government and has a six-figure income, felt the need to steal inexpensive medication. He did not seem to grasp the irony of the situation, although his publicist said that it will be explained to him eventually.

Because of his age, Cheney will not face criminal charges. However, police are worried that this attitude will spread across the country. Many senior citizens have been known to go to Canada expecting free medication, so Canadian pharmacies must take precautionary measures.

A Walgreen’s spokesperson said that the recent health care reform has confused consumers. One elderly man in Evansville, Ohio, tried to get all of his past prescriptions reimbursed, including his children’s polio vaccines from 1964. Teenagers in Huntville, Alabama, recently raided a health clinic, demanding to see physicians for no particular reason.

A White House spokesperson said that clarifications will be made to the general public to avoid further confusion. Nancy Pelosi is said to be drafting such a document, along with other corrections to the bill.