U1 biology student Lincoln Duncan is currently on track to fail four out of his five courses during the 2010 winter semester, meaning he will only earn three credits this semester instead of the expected 15. In an unexpected announcement, Duncan has blamed the economy for his poor performance.

“With this economy, how can you expect anything else?” asked Duncan. “I have to pay for books, pay for groceries, pay for escorts, and so on. How can they expect me to pay attention in class?”

Duncan has argued that the financial downturn of the past several months has forced him to cut back on most of his expenses. One of the first things to be cut in his budget was the amount of attention he could afford to pay in class.

“I need to survive, so I need food and shelter,” said Duncan. “I get lonely, so I need my escorts. What I don’t need is the nonsense that all the attention is costing me in class.”

“I understand that my grades are suffering, but I’m only just breaking even with my expenses at the end of the month, so I don’t know what other options I have. And yes, I can guarantee you that I need the escorts.”

Senior economics professor John Carlstein explained that he has seen this kind of problem affect many students in the past.

“Whenever there’s a serious economic downturn, choices have to be made,” he said. “Most students don’t have an income and therefore must be crafty with their finances. To be honest, I’m impressed by Mr. Duncan’s initiative.”

Duncan admitted that he doesn’t actually spend any money when he pays attention in class, but argued, “It’s the principle that counts.

“When I sit down to go over my finances at the end of the month, I have to consider everything I’ve paid for, whether tangible or not. It would be irresponsible not to account for the attention I’ve been paying in class. I’m just trying to keep a clean balance book.”

Beside groceries, rent, and pixie sticks, Duncan spends most of his other budgeted money on his escorts. Lana Luvana is one of Duncan’s more frequent escorts.

“He calls me every few days, sometimes to party, sometimes just to talk. A lot of the time, he’ll call me, get a hotel room, and then just cry for a few hours. He usually complains about his early-onset of male pattern baldness.”

Luvana is currently attending night classes at Roy’s Beauty School in Dorval.

“Yeah, I’ve seen this before. It’s too bad ’cause he had nice hair. He showed me pictures from when he was younger, but he’s losing almost all of it. I’d say by 24, he’ll be completely bald.”

Duncan denied any allegations of an onset of male pattern baldness.

“I just want to get by,” said Duncan. “Is that too much to ask?”

Carlstein has recently partnered with Duncan and other professors at McGill to form a task force against the rising cost of attention at McGill.

“Too much attention is being paid here at McGill,” said Carlstein. “How can we say that we are offering a reasonable education if students have to drop out due to the high costs of attention that they are being forced to pay?”