a, Joke

SSMU’s global affairs votes reverberating across international borders

“I don’t want to say that we ‘solved world peace,’” said a SSMU undergraduate member, who wished to remain anonymous, “but let’s just say that I’m pretty much guaranteed an A in POLI 450.”

The peacebuilding course, which along with POLI 350 (Developing Areas/Middle East) is expected to undergo major curriculum reevaluation by professor Lex Brian after a revolutionary methodology was discovered by the collective efforts of SSMU. 

“For years, we thought that sit-ins were the most effective way of getting our voice heard,” lamented AUS President Lucy Loo. “Our most recent demonstration in support of sandwiches was conducted with this traditional mindset. But if there’s anything I’ve learned from my time at McGill, it’s that a change in perspective can make a huge difference. SSMU’s method allows them to literally see the bigger picture due to their higher vantage point.”

The Tribune’s source claimed in hushed tones that the game-changing technique allowed them to see the forest for the trees, so to speak.

“One day, we were sitting around our conference table as usual, lobbing politically correct terms back and forth,” she said. “Our VP External got up to speak, and I’ll never forget what she said: ‘What if, instead of sitting in, we stood in?’”

“The room was filled with tension—we felt as if we were on the brink of a breakthrough. But something was missing. At SSMU, we tend to bandy about words like consensus, harmony, and support. But the key to our solution that day was solidarity.”

U3 English Literature and semantics enthusiast Mike McKibbins claims he was the one to come up with the crucial terminology. 

“We were brainstorming on a white board, trying to come up with ‘be it resolved’ clauses as usual,” McKibbins gushed. “I had the idea to make ‘stand in solidarity’ the crux of our motion, and the rest, as they, say, is history.”

McKibbins received a standing ovation for his contribution.

Master’s student Lucy Adams, currently working on a thesis in chaos theory, claimed that the simple action of standing still could have a ‘butterfly effect’ that would virtually eliminate centuries of racial tensions and ingrained power structures worldwide.

While Society members turned out in droves to vote on the completed motions on March 15, global leaders are waiting with bated breath for them to be ratified online. Election facilitators ‘Simply Voting’ have been working overtime to secure the integrity of the voting process amidst rumours of ‘Facebook hackers’ attempting to undermine the Society’s efforts.

 This story is a work of satire and appeared as part of our April Fools Issue 2015.

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