The Students’ Society of McBill’s Offensive Overlords (SSMOO) has been forced to relocate to President Caty Arson’s apartment following the failure of a fee referendum which left the organization unable to pay rent on the Kirk Building.
“We thought we would at least be given a room to operate from, but McBill said that we couldn’t get any space because we are operating at a deficit,” Arson said. “On top of everything else, we’re not sure if we’re going to get our finder’s fee back, and I mean, between you and me, we could really use that money.”
The relocation, according to Arson, could not have come at a worse time, as one of her roommates has friends visiting from Queen’s, and the other—after taking an economic statistics class last semester—has recently taken up the bagpipes.
“It’s thrown off the whole team dynamic,” Arson said. “Disputes have already broken out over equitable refrigerator space allocation, and two of the execs won’t stop rearranging my furniture.”
McBill University Director of Internal Propaganda Don Sour confirmed that administration is looking into other leasing possibilities, but won’t confirm or deny widespread rumors that Liquid Sustenance is hoping to expand their operations to take up the entirety of the Kirk Building.
“McBill has to do what makes the most fiscal sense, after all, at this point, we don’t expect to see any reinvestment from the PQ,” Sour said. “If smoothies are the direction we need to go in right now, then we will explore those options.”
Showings have been arranged with other potential lessees, which has been a cause of great confusion for students who still believe they are scheduled to table in the Kirk lobby. Some a capella group members were verbally attacked for not being able to answer questions about internet rates, while other visitors have been strong-armed into buying tickets for year-end hip hop dance performances.
The failure of the referendum question also has implications on how Gerts will operate in the coming year. There has been general unease throughout the student body, not only regarding the fate of sangria Wednesdays and throwback Thursdays, but also of forget-about-your-GPA Fridays, try-this-new-shot-I-just-invented Tuesdays, and maybe-you-shouldn’t-be-drinking-tonight Mondays.
“No reGerts [sic], right?” U4 philosophy major Your Mom said. “But this time, there are reGerts [sic]. Who knew the results of the referendum would actually affect people? I’m reGerting [still sic] it already!”
One student suggested the transition might actually improve accessibility to SSMOO.
“I mean, I never even knew where the SSMOO office was in the Kirk building, but [Arson] threw a party last year when she got elected, so I feel like a lot of people would have an easier time finding her [at her apartment],” former SSMOO executive Matt Spzjzjzdja said.
SSMOO president-elect Guy Without-Hat said he’s eagerly awaiting his chance to run operations out of his apartment next year, and welcomes more than just SMOO employees into his home.
“Inclusivity and accessibility are extremely important to me,” Without-Hat said. “Any student who feels they have input they would like to share with the exec or myself is more than welcome to stop by for coffee, any time, day or night. But it’s bring-your-own-coffee. And I would never say no to a double-double.”
This story is a work of satire and appeared as part of our April Fools Issue 2014.