Laughing Matters, Opinion

On becoming the Plateau man

Yeah, I’m a Plateau man. No no, I don’t live on the McGill side of St. Laurent, not near Jeanne-Mance; I’m on the other side, the real Plateau. There are, like, no McGill students here, not like if you’re on Aylmer or something. I crave authenticity and you just don’t have that in the bubble. But in the Plateau…that’s the real Montreal.  

I live so far from campus that it literally takes me like 30 minutes to walk there. But obviously, I have a bike; it’s a fixie. You don’t have a bike?! I got mine on Facebook Marketplace, you wouldn’t believe the deal I got. 350 dollars! You’ll probably see me riding home from campus on it. I’ll often stop by Mamie Clafoutis to pick up a baguette. The Plateau is literally exactly like France. Have you been to France before?… Me neither. 

And I love how francophone the Plateau is. At the grocery stores they always speak French to me. When the cashier says “est-ce que blah blah blah un sac, I reply “Nôn” (because I brought my Cinema L’Amour tote bag), and when they ask how I will pay, I say credit, but don’t pronounce the “t”. It’s so refreshing to finally put my bilingualism to use. 

My style has gotten so much better in the Plateau. Everyone’s so well dressed. These thrift stores on St. Laurent have everything, and I’m basically best friends with the clerks at Chainon. I look so much like a poli sci student now. Don’t you think I look like I’m in poli sci? My closets are so packed with Dickies and Dime hoodies that I don’t know how I’ll bring them all back to Toronto. I’ve also started painting my nails now, aren’t they super cool? But if anyone asks, I’m straight….if you’re wondering….

But anyway, the area is so great if you’re living on a budget. Have you heard of Segal’s? It’s so cheap! Provigo and Metro will make you go broke these days; I never set foot in there. It really helps me to keep to my parents’ $1,000-a-month budget. How am I even supposed to go to Datcha on that?? Do you also hate your parents? I do. I only call them once at the end of the month, if you know what I mean.

The Plateau is also so diverse—it really gives you a flavour of what Montreal is really like outside the bubble. There’s such a unique blend of cultures here, like there’s this little Portuguese community, so many people from France, and … um yeah… isn’t diversity so cool?

The apartments here are also the epitome of Montreal charm. Mom said my place looks like a shithole, but I don’t care; I have exposed brick. But sometimes, it’s a bit of a struggle. There’s this strange smell emanating from the basement cellar the landlord locked off, and it takes me five minutes to figure out how to unlock the 100-year-old door every morning. I also really need a bed frame because the floor is freezing in the winter. But I like it; I feel like such a bohemian living there.

I’ve also started smoking cigarettes- hand-rolled, of course. It’s the culture of the Plateau. I love having a cigarette on my porch overlooking the street. I honestly think I like cigarettes more than weed. But I also really like weed; I smoke it so much. My favourite strain is Yellow Kush. Do you like weed?

I also really love the local deps and…

…Oh. You need to go back to your friends? That’s cool. I should probably go back to my group as well, haha. But, hey, you think I could maybe get your Snap or something??

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