Badminton, Bro

At 5’4”, Percy Shuttlecoque doesn’t exactly have the ideal build for a varsity badminton player. But what he lacks in size he makes up in finesse. With an arm like a whip, Shuttlecoque can fire the birdy anywhere on theabadminton court with ease. Along with an impressive vertical leap, Shuttlecoque attributes his dominance to simple practice.
“I’m usually on the court at dawn every day, rallying with my dad or my brother,” Shuttlecoque said.
Son of badminton legend Jeremiah Shuttlecoque, Percy hopes to carry on the Shuttlecoque legacy at McGill as a redshirt freshman next year. This season, he was suspended for conduct detrimental to McBill SPOOOOOORTZ after attempting to use Marty the Martlet as his birdie.

Buffet’s Billions

Noted Creighton Fighting McBuckets fan and part-time multi-billionaire Warren Buffet made waves earlier this year when he announced that he would award $1 billion to anyone who was able to fill out a perfect March Madness bracket. Unsurprisingly no common citizen has an unscathed bracket. Every citizen except for an 83-year-old multi-billionaire from Omaha, Nebraska named Warren Buffet. However, Buffet forgot to join his own competition.

As the NCAA Tournament moves into the Final Four, Buffet has been seen pacing the offices of Berkshire Hathaway waving around a thus-far perfect bracket and loudly cursing himself much to the detriment of office morale.

Bilateral Trade Agreements

In a surprise announcement, NCAA President Mark Emmert and CIS President Leo MacPherson held a joint press conference at the scenic border town of Niagara Falls. The two collegiate athletics power brokers shocked the sporting world by announcing that the winner of the NCAA Tournament will have to face the winner of the CIS Tournament, the Carleton Ravens, in a winner-takes-all super-final to determine the North American champion. The Ravens, who won their 10th CIS Championship in 12 years, were awarded the opportunity to beat the eventual NCAA champions by virtue of their 95-82 victory against the Wisconsin Badgers in the pre-season. There were also talks to have future Vanier Cup winners play the winner of the College Football Playoff.

This story is a work of satire and appeared as part of our April Fools Issue 2014.

5… 4… 3… 2… 1… Silence. Pens dropped in frustration. Hands wringed in pain. It was over and there were no survivors. Students slowly trudged down the steps of Leacock 132 to hand in their midterms. They emerged from the cavernous venue after their BIOL 202 midterm this past week, disheartened and frustrated. Professor XX pulled out all the stops, with just that one jerk leaving before time was up.

“I think the worst part is that if I’d had one more day I know I would have crushed it,” U2 Biology major 270382048 said. “At this point I just hope everyone else did as badly as I did so I can ride the bell curve to a decent grade.”

Early reports, however, have suggested that a student-friendly bell curve is unlikely. Professor XX has stated that he feels the exam was definitely fair. Its format has been widely criticized, with students grumbling about its lack of questions in the multiple choice section, and the exam’s focus on material that seemed unimportant in class.

“Come on, that stuff was barely on the lecture slides,” U1 Physiology major 204820482 said. “I just ended up making something up, so hopefully I won’t end up with a zero in that section.”

Students were offered no compensation for the distractions that arose during the allotted time. With less than 10 minutes left on the clock, the supervising TA’s phone began to ring.

“He just picked it up and started talking,” 204820482 said. “Unbelievable. How was I supposed to focus on my test when he kept going on and on about the series finale of How I Met Your Mother.”

According to one group of friends who were seated together, the ringing sound could not have come at a worse time.

“That phone call was the final straw,” 270382048 said. “We tried to ignore it, but when people started murmuring, it was just too much. There’s a limit to how much paper-shuffling someone can tolerate. You would think that the TA would be the one making sure the midterm went smoothly, but obviously he blew some calls.”

The midterm was suffocating over the full three hours of regulation, holding the class of over 200 to a stingy 65 per cent average. During the first half, students were overwhelmed by the absurdity of the content. The second half proved no better, as Professor XX reported that most students left around two to three questions completely blank.

Perhaps the most telltale sign of the difficulties that students had is the sheer number of people claiming they were just glad to have it over with, while simultaneously reassuring one another that it probably went fine.

“I think I’ve earned a bit of break after today,” U2 Anatomy major 216322048 said. “I put off studying for this midterm until the last minute, but that definitely won’t happen for the final.”

Despite the unfavourable results, students were confident that they would ace the final, which will take place on Apr. 27 in Love Competition Hall.

This story is a work of satire and appeared as part of our April Fools Issue 2014.

There’s been a ton of effort over the years towards making McBill an inclusive space, and I thought we had achieved this goal. But all of that changed the day Gerts stopped listing “Timber” on its jukebox.

I don’t know how this authoritarian operation that is the Students’ Society of McBill’s Offensive Overlords (SSMOO) got the idea into its head that it’s acceptable to deny students the opportunity to serenade a bar with the greatest single since “Crazy Kids.” But I don’t plan to just sit around waiting for another bland Sangria Wednesday while the most important issue to hit campus all year remains unresolved. Students of McBill, let this Pop Rhetoric serve as a rallying cry: you better move, you better dance, and you sure as heck better take action.

Before I tell you why we need to put an end to Timber-gate, let me share my story. A mere four years ago, I wasn’t the fun, hip, yolo-ing Chel$ea $mith that most know me as today; I was just plain old Chelsea Smith. But then, on Jan. 1, 2010, Ke$ha released Animal and my whole world changed forever. Suddenly, I didn’t want to stay home on weekends and study to get into dentistry school; instead, I was all about brushing my teeth with a bottle of Jack. By June, I had legally changed my name and was voted by my high school peers as most likely to spend a night in jail. Life was good.

It got even better when I came to McBill. In first-year, I had an unforgettable experience living in Pabst Hall; for the first time, I was surrounded by the party animals that I had so desperately craved for the past eight months. Aside from getting banned from Korova’s in second-year, my time at McBill has been a non-stop sequence of making the most out of nights like I was going to die young. And above all, I was grateful for the opportunity to spend four years in an inclusive environment that claimed to support everyone’s identities—even Ke$ha acolytes like myself.

But now, my faith in SSMOO has been shaken. How am I supposed to fully express myself on campus if I can’t play “Timber” on the Gerts jukebox? Two years ago, I put up with all the mindless students who insisted on constantly playing “Call Me Maybe,” knowing that soon enough, Ke$ha would rise from the ashes like a tipsy phoenix with the next great chart-topper. Little did I know that her success would be so overwhelming that Gerts would make the executive decision to censor it altogether, rather than let it stand for the masterpiece that it is.

It hasn’t been easy finding solidarity on campus. People laugh when I tell them that I’m selling samosas in order to raise enough money to get “Timber” back on the Gerts jukebox. The only student group that’s given me any support is the Woodsmen team on the Macdonald campus, but I had to stretch the truth a bit and tell them that my “Timber” campaign would provide them with extra wood for practices. Otherwise, it’s been a lot of blah, blah, blah for nothing.

Maybe after all the fuss about bike gates, PPOP’s, and Save Gerts meetings, students are a little burnt out, but I know that we still have one last cause left in us! Let’s make this campus an inclusive space once again and stand up for the right to swing our partners round and round to the greatest song that 2014 has to offer. I’m not asking for much; just the chance to dance to “Timber” at Gerts one more time before I graduate.

This story is a work of satire and appeared as part of our April Fools Issue 2014.