That one kid in every conference

It was another Friday morning spent sitting in the Education building, listening to my peers drone on about economics. I rolled my eyes, opening my bag to find Basic Economics by Thomas Sowell, the only economic education I would need. I had been reading it for a few months. Just as I was about to immerse myself in page two of the foremost intellectual work of our times, I heard a voice from across the room.

“Maybe we should raise the minimum wage,” said a nervous girl. “So many people are having trouble affording housing in Canada.”

Instantly, my killer instinct engaged—I had been challenged. I slid my glasses up my nose as I rose out of my chair. I took a second to compose myself and remembered the last Ben Shapiro ‘SJW DESTROYED’ video I saw before confronting the liberal. 

“Excuse me, I didn’t realize employers were obligated to pay you whatever you want,” I began. “Trudeau’s already made Canada communist, but now you’ve gone too far.”

I continued addressing the girl, her bright blue hair falling across her face as she withdrew in fear. But hiding behind her bangs was not going to save her from my wrath.

“Besides,” I continued, “it’s well-known that the more you make an employer pay, the fewer people they will hire—or did you not know that either?”

“Wait,” interjected the TA as the girl’s eyes filled with tears, “this is a third-year course, everyone knows about labour mark–”

I turned to face the TA. “And you! You’ve filled our minds with nothing but liberal gibberish this entire term. I know you’ve made up half of the concepts we needed to learn. Tragedy of the Commons? Really? Liberal bullshit!” 

The class slowly began recovering from its initial shock at my righteous rebuttal. The initial commenter’s friend, surely an emasculated “male feminist,” decided he would try to defend her honour.

“Actually, a majority of economists now thi—”

“You mean a majority of charlatans,” I sneered, careful to not be put on the defensive, just as Ben Shapiro had taught me. “You probably think the Moon Landing happened too, don’t you, sheeple?” The entire room burst into laughter, delighted that I had given the soyboy such a witty tongue-lashing.

Finally, my real prey entered the fray. The pierced communist I had always despised finally looked up from her book (how dare she read in a conference!). “But Karl Marx said—”

“You mean the well-known antisemite?!” I responded. “I didn’t know you loved racists. For my part, I only read Thomas Jefferson and Sir John A. Macdonald.”

Finally, the class began to understand my vast intellect. The women all wanted me, and the men all wanted to be me.

“Maybe if you listened to The Daily Wire, like I do, you’d understand,” I continued, “but you’re all too busy worrying about how Big Pharma tells you viruses are real.” I adjusted the bald eagle pin on my sportscoat and sat back down, leaving the class totally silent.

Suddenly, applause broke out across the room. Only my interlocutors sobbed silently. The applause grew louder and louder until I could hear no more. I grinned as I put on my coat—it was time to go outside and confront some more snowflakes.

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