There is a huge problem at this university: McGill doesn’t win anymore. However, the expiration of Principal Suzanne Fortier’s term in June 2018 provides an important opportunity to reverse McGill’s decline. In 2018, the McGill Board of Governors should appoint Donald J. Trump to the position of principal and vice-chancellor of McGill University, provided Mr. Trump is not at that time serving as president of the United States. Through his impressive campaign to secure the Republican nomination for president of the United States, Trump has displayed the vision, qualities, and leadership skills necessary to run McGill, and is uniquely qualified to make McGill great again.
On the campaign trail, Trump has won the respect of many American voters with his tough stance on illegal immigration, including his proposal to build a wall along the Mexican border. This is exactly the kind of attitude that is needed at McGill. In recent years, McGill’s campus has been devastated by the flow of illegal samosas pouring across its borders. These foreign snacks are causing tremendous problems on campus. With their cheap prices, samosas are taking the job of feeding McGill students from hardworking local foods like poutine, timbits, Subway, and Première Moisson. These foreign indulgences need to be deported immediately.
To keep all samosas out, Principal Trump should promise to build a wall around McGill’s campus, and make Concordia pay for it.
Trump has also garnered much attention for his obsession with polls and his determination to always be a winner—an attitude that is sorely needed at McGill. In the 2015-2016 Times Higher Education World University Rankings, McGill was the third-ranked Canadian university, finishing behind first place University of Toronto, and University of British Columbia. Clearly, our leaders don’t know what they’re doing. U of T is laughing at us. Much as he promises the American people he will deal with China, Mr. Trump should, if appointed Principal, send “smart people” as negotiators to U of T, and get McGill a “better deal.” With such dismal rankings, Principal Trump would not rest until McGill reclaimed its spot as the number one university in Canada, and would surely promise McGill students “so much winning you may get bored of winning.”
However, persuading Trump to accept the position of Principal at McGill will require some small sacrifices from the McGill community. In order to make Trump feel at home on campus, the university must be prepared to rename a building in Trump’s honour, and have his name written on it in “yuge” golden letters. The McConnell Engineering Building would be an ideal choice: McGill already has a McConnell Arena and a McConnell Residence—the Trump Engineering Building would help avoid further confusion. Mr. Trump would likely also wish to modify McGill’s curriculum to better suit his business views; students and faculty must be prepared for new courses such as ECON 3000: The Art of the Deal, or ACCT 4500: Small Loans of a Million Dollars.
As he will no longer be campaigning against Jeb Bush, Trump will also need a new target for his bullying. I suggest Buzz, the Concordia Stingers mascot, since the McGill community would be more accepting of Trump’s mean tweets if they were directed at a representative of a rival school. Plus, if the online feud ever escalated into a real-world fight, many McGill students would surely find the image of Donald Trump wrestling a man in a giant bumblebee costume quite amusing.
Despite these minor adjustments, Donald J. Trump is still the best qualified candidate to assume the position of McGill principal in 2018. By cracking down on illegal snack immigration, and resolving to restore McGill’s ranking as the number one university in Canada, Trump has the potential to turn this university into a winner. In 2018, the Board of Governors must chose the principal that will make McGill great again!
