Laughing Matters, Opinion

So you’ve just met an Asian girl

So you’ve just met an Asian girl. There she is, assigned to your group for the final project in HIST 208, with her Hydro Flask and laptop stickers. She’s kind of cute. This could be your chance. Time to shoot your shot: Where is she from?

Oh, she’s Chinese. Yikes! What does she think of that whole authoritarian government thing? Plus, um—COVID! If you want, you can talk about the Economist article you’ve read recently. There was this interesting one about Eileen Gu last week. You know, the skier? Can you believe she’s competing on behalf of China? 

There is something weird about this girl’s face, though. Oh, she says she’s half-white. Explain to her that you’re practically more Asian than she is! After all, you’ve been using chopsticks since the first time your parents took you to Panda Express. Also, you’ve watched like all of Death Note. Was it her mom or dad that was Asian? The dad? Oh. That’s weird. 

Make sure to ask her if she speaks the language. This, along with her facial structure, will determine how authentically Asian she really is. Wow, she doesn’t speak the language that well? That’s funny, because you actually took Intro to Mandarin in college. Konichiwa! Just joking. Proceed to introduce yourself to her in Chinese, following the tones of a 7th-grade oboe recital. You’re probably HSK 7 at this point. In fact, it’s always been your dream to teach English to Chinese children. The one thing you can’t stand, though, is the animal cruelty. No wonder the whole bat thing happened! You’re an ethical vegetarian. Well, Buddhists are okay, you guess. Speaking of food, you’ve always been exceptionally good at eating really, really spicy food. Like, really spicy. Make sure to explain to her that you always drain the Sriracha bottle. 

Oh, Fujian cuisine is on the milder side? You don’t even know where that is. That must be some smaller city.

Anyway. Time to open up a new line of conversation. Has she seen the hate crimes in the news recently? Well, you’ve been against that stuff from the beginning. Racism is wrong. It’s important to you to be on the right side of history. When that shooting in Atlanta happened, you raced to your computer to tweet #StopAsianHate. And things have changed, haven’t they? Or improved, anyway. Not that you’re an authority. Tell her that you’ve been thinking a lot about solidarity with the Asian community. And radical empathy. You’re a big fan of Andrew Yang, actually. 

It really seems like you’re clicking! And she is super cute. Maybe she’s the one? Don’t get ahead of yourself, but remember: You could be the Mark Zuckerberg to her Priscilla Chan. Ask her for her WeChat (yeah, you’re culturally versed). If you really want to get the point across, maybe slide in a subtle reference to your dick size in the chat. Unlike, you know, *wink*— the competition. 

Oh. Huh. It looks like she’s talking to the professor. What? She wants to get reassigned? This is unbelievable. What does she mean, you “made her uncomfortable”? As far as you could tell, she’s been enjoying this conversation from the very beginning. I guess some Asian girls aren’t submissive after all. Uppity bitch. 

Anyway, the class is letting out now. You might as well get some sushi. Maybe you can explain to the waitress at the restaurant that Panasonic has actually always made your favourite line of toasters.

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