Joke, Student Life

A labour of love

Times are tough, fellow McGillians. It seems like Tinder, Bumble, and Hinge just aren’t doing the trick anymore—they’re all tricks themselves without any treats. The same faces repeat, over and over: How often do you need to scroll through blurry mirror selfies of George, U3 Mech Eng, a moderate from Laval who “likes” callisthenics, or clustered candids of Karlynn, U2 Nursing, from NDG who eats raw food and loves Taylor Swift before you make a change? The McGill Tribune’s Student Life team has collectively got your single back––here’s how to make LinkedIn (or LinkedIn Pro) your first stop for career and couple advancement.

Comment me your comment baby, I know who you are 

While it may initially seem intimidating, the best way to show your affection for your newly-found professional (and soon-to-be romantic) connection is none other than the LinkedIn comments section. As soon they post about a new position or career opportunity, this is your time to shine. Start off by congratulating them and letting them know just how impressive their new position is—but of course, it’s not quite as impressive as your latest VP Finance position at The McGill Investment Club, which you would be happy to help them get involved in if they’re interested. 

Make sure your crush knows that you want to get to know them in more than just a professional setting, so offer them some subtle hints in your comment that you might be interested in a date. Mini golf, anyone??

To add that little bit of flirtatious energy, winky faces will be your best friend, so be sure to end your message with one…or three. And if you really wanna show off your financial stability, remember that the LinkedIn Pro badge can’t hurt.

Targeted for the very first time

When you’ve mastered the art of the cute comment, you must shape the course of your interactions. Set the scene by targeting them, implicitly or explicitly, in your postings. Career transitions might just be the new thirst traps. You don’t even need to wait to strike after you post your internship at Raytheon. Start talking about the privilege you have to join the family environment at Deloitte. It’ll make you seem like a provider, with the security to start your future together. You worked hard for this position, so ensure that you have a sweaty picture of yourself in your thread, captioned “Sleep? Never heard of it!” Your crush will know that you’re available at all hours of the day and that you put your best, and most tired, foot forward. Make at least five references to McGill’s work hard/play hard culture and five humble jokes that the “play hard” was your favourite part. The more humour, the better.

Your acknowledgements will be the place to shine. Don’t hesitate to tag your beloved in the list of people who helped you: Your local bartender, the students who bring down class averages, Big Suze, end of list. Saying “And @ Leslie, we don’t know each other but let’s be real, you got me to Lockheed Martin” is the new “u up.”

And I am a direct message girl

When all this groundwork is done, prepare your professional writing skills to type out the most sensually charged advertisement for a job and slide it into their blue box. Make sure to clearly outline what is required for the role, such as good communication skills, the ability to multitask, three developmental experiences, etc., as well as what duties you expect them to perform on a daily (or weekly basis)—that I will leave up to you to decide. In the midst of sponsored messages, therefore, your tailor-made listing (titled perhaps ‘Emotional Support Intern’) will be sure to arouse a curious excitement, especially when it comes to turning it into a full-time role—provided that their performance is above average, of course. 
Remember that for this to work, you should be fully committed to the process because, once that job is accepted, all of LinkedIn must be informed through an award-winning announcement post. After all, a cringe-worthy declaration is the only way to show the world that you are theirs, solely and forever bound.

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