Snow has fallen, sidewalks have frozen, and you desperately need something to look forward to. You’ve come to the right place because, for better or worse, The Tribune is about to reveal everything you need to know this winter semester.
Aries (March 21 – April 19): Aries, I fear that your eyebags might only get bigger this semester! Slow down and take a nap, because you need to spend more time at home than at your local cutesy coffee shop chugging double espressos.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20): There’s absolutely nothing that will stop you this semester, Taurus. You were born during finals season for a reason: You will keep being the academic weapon you’ve always been.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20): Gemini, you should trust your instincts this semester, especially when it comes to choosing the best spot in the library. Stay away from the panicked comp-sci students frantically debugging their programming assignment and the business majors crying over their paint-by-numbers worth 75 percent of their grade.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22): Cancer, don’t let deadlines and midterms get to you. My sweet summer child, you were made to live and have fun for the rest of us, not to sit at the library worrying about grades. Remember, they’re just a number. You deserve a break, and a little bit of sun.
Leo (July 23 – August 22): The funny thing with “Leo” is that it rhymes with “zero”… which is going to be your GPA if you keep slacking off. It’s -20 degrees outside and the sun sets at 4 p.m. anyway, so you have no more excuses to not lock yourself inside and study. Come on—get to work, party animal!
Virgo (August 23 – September 22): Virgo, your prayers have been heard. We know that you’re on the hunt, and the stars have aligned: You will find that perfect aesthetic Montreal apartment with a balcony for the one month of summer. Plus, it will have a sweet rent that will allow you to actually afford food. Yay!
Libra (September 23 – October 22): Libra, this semester, make sure to find the right balance between your social life and your five courses. I know what they say about college being the best years of your life, but don’t forget about the 60 pages of poli-sci readings waiting for you.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21): Scorpio, you’re the silent kid at the back of the conference room because you’re obviously too cool to share your thoughts and reflections with the rest of the group. Keep it up if you want, but don’t come crying when you don’t get your A because you were too busy being mysterious.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21): If you’re looking for an adventure to fulfill your unstoppable nature while keeping up with the academic fast-life, just hike up to McMed once or twice a day. It will do the job.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19): No one doubts how ambitious you can be, Capricorn. You might need Hermione Granger’s “Time-Turner” so you can fit all your courses and your six clubs into your schedule. But don’t forget to take a deep breath from time to time.
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18): We know how creative you can be, Aquarius. Your ability to imagine new worlds and sweet delusions is unparalleled, and it might come in handy during your next 8:30 a.m. conference when you forget to do your readings.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20): My crystal ball seems to like you a lot, Pisces. Your innate gift to pretend to take notes in your bird class while actually planning your dream solo Interrail trip will have absolutely no consequences on your grades. Nothing less than A’s this semester.
