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PROFILE-REDMEN FOOTBALL: Small town boy makes big-time plays

by Aaron Blossom on

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If you’re a sports fan, you’ve stayed up at night fantasizing about scoring the winning goal in the Stanley Cup finals or hitting the World Series walk-off shot. If you’re a football fan, thoughts inevitably gravitate towards becoming a speedy wide receiver or a star quarterback. On the gridiron, offence puts your name in lights.

Not for Jean-Nicolas Carrière. Defence has catapulted him to the forefront of the McGill Redmen football team, and to the top of CIS University depth charts. For him, football isn’t about the flash and glamour of offence; rather, the Redmen star linebacker is a throwback player, one who relishes the bone-crunching tackle over the stylish touchdown.

“I love blitzing the quarterback more than anything,” Carrière said. “Personally, getting to the quarterback is probably better than a touchdown. Going after the QB just makes it for me. I think that’s why people put me at linebacker. I just love hitting.”

And hit he does. Last season, Carrière spearheaded both the Redmen defence and linebacking corps, leading McGill with an impressive 29 tackles-3.5 for negative yardage-in only five games. Not only does he excel in the brutal elements, but he is also blessed with impulsive football skills as well. He has striking instincts that allow him to act as a significant playmaker on D. This “nose for the ball” coupled with impressive speed allowed Carrrière to pick up an interception as well as a forced fumble last season.

In listing impact players on the 2006 edition of the Red ‘n’ White, Coach Chuck McMann immediately singles out Carrière as a force in the group.

“I’d like to see Carrière really stand out this year,” McMann said. “And I know he will because he’s been working so hard.”

Humble beginingsMoving from a small farm town to Ottawa, Carrière was weaned on to sports along the same route as many young Canadians – on the ice. But after a move to the more metropolitan Ottawa, Carrière joined the St. Matthew’s High School football team when his math teacher suggested he try the gridiron. Since then, it has been a constant upward spiral for Carrière.

“After getting my first sack, I knew football was what I wanted to do,” Carrière said. “Coming out of Ontario I was recruited by a lot of schools, some here and some in the US, and I ended up getting a scholarship to McGill.”

Carrière, like many of us, fell for McGill over other more prestigious football universities such as Rutgers, which also wanted him to ply his services in the NCAA ‘Big East’ conference.

“I came here for the football obviously, but also for the academics,” he said. “The football program is very solid here, but the academics are fantastic as well. You really are a student-athlete, unlike at some other schools where you just go through the motions. You always need some degree to fall back on. I love it here – both parts.”

Lofty goalsBut Carrière isn’t thinking about a degree as a safety net; he has set lofty, yet attainable, football goals for himself. Last year-despite being suspended one game due to misconduct-he won the Most Dedicated Player and Best Defensive Player on the Redmen squad. This year he has set even more ambitious targets: Team MVP, All-Canadian and a spot in the East-West Bowl, the annual CIS all-star game which is notorious for a heavy professional scouting presence. It’s from there that Carrière now sees himself making “The Leap”-jumping to professional football in either the CFL, preferably for the Montreal Alouettes, or to the NFL, naturally for the gold standard of defensive teams, the Pittsburgh Steelers.

“It wasn’t always pro football as the goal,” Carrière said. “But once I came out as a top recruit from Ontario, I realized what I wanted and that drives my work ethic now.”

The maxim in football circles is that defence wins championships. No one is expecting a football parade through the Roddick gates this year, but it’s certain that the Redmen defence will be tenacious and ferocious while led by the throwback style of Carrière.

Two hundred and seven pound linebackers who make tackles in the open field, hit in the backfield for losses, yet have speed to drop back in pass coverage, guard receivers and collect interceptions are certainly a rare breed. Carrière is one such gem for the Redmen.

Joke

GUIDE: Where to go for sex in this city

by Elizabeth Nieto on

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Name: Dan SavageColumn Name: “Savage Love”Publication: Montreal’s Hour magazine, Toronto’s Now magazine, Ottawa’s XPress and numerous other publications across Canada and the United States .Known for: Hosting a campaign to name a gay sexual act after an American senator that held homophobic beliefs. (Santorum: “the frothy mix of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes the byproduct of anal sex”)Best Advice: To always follow the abbreviation GGG — being “good, giving and game” to every sexual partner.Self-Described: “I’m like Dr. Phil, but a cocksucker.”Raunchiest Topic Covered: Male farting as a sexual turn-on.

Name: Sasha (sometimes with the attached name: Von BonBon)Column Name: “Love Bites”Publication: Montreal’s The Mirror, Toronto’s Eye WeeklyBackground: A 35 year-old former stripper and the current front woman of a Toronto-based burlesque troupe called “The Scandelles”.Known for: her bitchiness, bluntness and accessibility.Best Advice: “While you’re having sex with her, ask her what she finds attractive about men… I call that killing two birds with one bone.”Raunchiest Topic Covered: Women who drink cum in cups.

Name: Josey VogelsColumn Name: “My Messy Bedroom” and “Dating Girl”.Publication: Montreal’s Hour magazine, The Montreal Gazette and many other Canadian newspapers and magazines.Known for: Being Canada’s leading lady on sex and dating advice.Best Advice: “If you’re running into the battlefield, you want to have the right equipment.”Self-described: Just a regular girl, writing about sex in a “thoughtful rather than gratuitous” manner.Raunchiest Topic Covered: Canine sex.

Name: Eve ThomasColumn Name: “SexTalk”Publication: Montreal Nightlife magazineKnown for: Sex advice from a 20-something point of view. Like Dr. Ruth without the training, wrinkles or authority to talk to school children about erections.Stands out as: One of the few sex columnists who rarely writes about her own exploits (though friends are open game). She also loves horrible puns (‘How about some T&A with the the TA.?’) and coining her own terms (‘seasonal singleton syndrome’).Self-described: “The newest and the cutest of the bunch!”Best Advice: On sleeping with a teacher-“If you have a shred of doubt, try to wait ’til school is out.”Raunchiest topic covered: Dwarves. Enough said.

Student Life

WEBSITE OF THE WEEK: Gossip looks pretty in pink

by Joanna Reznick on

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As we enter the first week of school feeling relaxed and refreshed after four months of summer, we tend to forget the horrors of midterms, papers and finals. Slowly but surely, though, the pressure of university starts to creep onto the shoulders of each and every one of us. Fortunately, there is a temporary relief to the anxiety caused by studying: procrastination. You do it. I do it. The queen does it. Sometimes, in order to succeed in life one must procrastinate, leave things to the last minute, stress out and feel immense relief when the midterm or final or paper is completed. We do, however, have one advantage that the generation before us did not have — the Internet.

There are billions of Web sites out there, waiting to be explored as students across the planet avoid writing 10-page papers on Shakespearean animalities. Facebook and My Space are fun, but when you get bored of stalking your friends, their friends and the hot guy in your bio lab, why not stalk celebrities? Pink is the New Blog is a Web site created by the flamboyant and sarcastic Trent Vargas, who doles out celebrity gossip weeks before it hits the newsstands. Not only does he post unseen pictures, controversial stories and television spoilers, he dishes the dirt with a wit that makes you giggle in the library.

Every afternoon, Vargas updates his Web site with the latest and greatest news from Hollywood. Although he follows the lives of all celebrities, he tends to focus on the exploits of the younger generation of stars. While Vargas obviously respects Hollywood and all it has to offer, he still mocks superstars with a bright, tell-all, pink font. For example, a picture of Kevin Federline, Britney Spears´ hubby, has a pink arrow pointing at his face reading “not hawt.”

Aesthetically, the Web site does not have much to offer. A black background and pink font may be basic and even dull, but the pictures speak for themselves. Who needs an eye-catching font when you have a photo of Jake Gyllenhaal in spandex?

Although there are several gossip Web sites out there, Pink is the New Blog successfully satisfies the hidden voyeur lurking deep inside every politically and socially conscious undergrad. What is it about inconsequential celebrity gossip that intrigues so many of us? The romantic escapades of Tom Cruise and Britney Spears do not have any effect on the average student´s life, but when schoolwork piles up… anything goes. If you’re a People Magazine or US Weekly reader, check out Pink is the New Blog instead of shelling out $4 at the dep. It’s both fun and free.

News

BREAKING NEWS: Tragedy at Dawson

by Ben Lemieux on

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One girl has been confirmed dead and as many as 20 people were hospitalized after a gunman opened fire at Dawson College earlier today. At 12:41p.m., a young man wearing a black trench coat entered the school through the ground floor doors on Boulevard de Maisonneuve, drew a firearm and began shooting at students in the main cafeteria.

Dawson College, located in downtown Montreal and home to 10,000 students, is the largest English-language CEGEP in Quebec.

Richard Lieu, a Dawson student, was present when the shooting started.

“When I heard the first shot I thought it was a firecracker or something like that,” he said. “Then I heard a couple more and I heard a girl a few feet behind me crying.”

Both Lieu and third-year classmate Andrea Iannicca were mere feet away from the first victims, but didn’t get a complete picture of what was going on.

“I heard shots being fired, I saw the shooter,” Iannicca said. “Then I got down on the ground and I didn’t get back up.”

Lieu and Iannicca were able to crawl to safety in the locker complex one floor below, but many of their classmates were not as lucky.

In an informal press conference at 4:30, Montreal Police Chief Yvan Delorme declared that there were a total of 20 victims among the Dawson student population, three of whom suffered serious gunshot wounds and were rushed to hospital in critical condition. The other victims were treated for light wounds and shock. Urgences Santé spokesperson Eric Berry did not confirm any student fatalities during the afternoon press conference, however police later announced the death of a girl who was at the scene.

Unfortunately, Montreal is no stranger to gun violence specifically targeting schools. On Dec. 6, 1989, Marc Lepine entered the University of Montreal’s École Polytechnique with several firearms, killing 14 female students and wounding 13 others before turning the gun on himself.

Montreal Mayor Gerald Tremblay made a point of congratulating the police force and ambulance technicians on the scene for their quick and professional response to the situation.

“I think that that experience has had a major impact on the quick response time of the police force,” said Tremblay. “In the past, at the Ecole Polytechnique, they had a perimeter outside and they waited. No one went inside. This time it was very efficient and very pro-active.”

Despite early rumours and preliminary news reports pointing to as many as four shooters, Delorme would only confirm one gunman at the scene of the crime.

“At 12:44 the first policeman [arrived] and saw the suspect shooting in Dawson College,” he said. “The first policeman took control of the situation and shot in the direction of the suspect. The suspect died.”

Because a suspect was killed by police, Surete du Quebec will be conducting an investigation into the incident.

“I can not tell you anymore because we have to work with Surete du Quebec [at this point],” he said. Delorme said that there were no other suspects at this time.

Though the shooting itself lasted mere minutes, the search of the six-floor complex for more potential shooters, and the subsequent evacuation of the building, lasted for most of the afternoon.

“The majority of officers on duty in the area were deployed [to the scene of the crime], in addition to special units,” said police spokesperson Olivier Lapointe. SWAT teams scoured Dawson, which spans an entire city block, with dogs, searching for students, teachers and other staff who had barricaded themselves in classrooms. Among them was business professor Robert Soroka, who heard the shots from his office.

“It was around a quarter to one, when classes end, so there were a lot of students in the corridors who were panicked and confused,” Soroka said. “Basically, myself and several [colleagues] got students to remain in classrooms. The priority was to get the students safe.”

Many students and faculty members also said Dawson security guards were instrumental in the evacuation process, which safely led many students to the metro level of the school (just below the second-floor Atrium where the shootings took place) and eventually to street level via Atwater metro station.

“We were in emergency mode,” added Soroka. “We were working on adrenaline.”

Dozens of students were led out of the subway system as the afternoon wore on, many of whom were greeted by relieved classmates before receiving phone calls from deeply shaken family members.

Immediate assistance for Dawson students was also provided by the Concordia Student Union, which began to mobilize 15 minutes after the incident occurred.

“We immediately got people together to help with the evacuation,” explained Taylor Noakes, CSU’s VP Campus Relations. “We’ve got counselors waiting. We have food, we have drinks. We wanted to create a safe place for students. We had a lot of staff working for orientation and their jobs have been changed for the day.”

The Montreal Police have not offered possible motive for the shooter’s actions, but an investigation of the event is ongoing.

“We’re going to have to reflect as a society,” said Mayor Tremblay late in the afternoon.

-Additional reporting by Matt Campbell and Kayvon Afshari

Arts & Entertainment, Music

MUSIC: Keeping the Klezmer beat

by Ezra Glinter on

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In 1980, when Dr. Hy Goldman first brought Boston’s Klezmer Conservatory Band to Montreal, not many people believed that the near-forgotten musical tradition of Klezmer could be revived. Roughly defined as the music of Eastern European Jewry, Klezmer had all but disappeared after the Second World War.

“No one knew anything about the music,” says Goldman. “It had essentially died.”

Since that time, however, Klezmer has experienced a pronounced re-birth due to the efforts of organizers such as Goldman and the musicians he promoted. KlezKanada, a summer festival of Yiddish art and culture, is certainly one of the most exciting manifestations of the Klezmer revival.

Founded by Goldman in 1996, KlezKanada has grown from a weekend retreat into a weeklong event, which took place this year between Aug. 20 and 27. Located on the spacious and picturesque grounds of Camp B’nai Brith in Lantier, Quebec, the festival drew almost 500 people, including 60 faculty members. Though many of the attendees are locals, KlezKanada is truly an international event, attracting participant from all over North and South America, Europe and Israel. The festival also sponsors approximately 120 scholarship students who come from as far away as Russia, Ukraine, Belarus and Estonia.

While the main focus of KlezKanada is music, the program also includes dance, drama, visual arts and folk crafts, language, literature and film. As Goldman explains, the goal of the festival is to “maintain the 1,000 year-old Ashkenazic civilization by bringing the music and culture together.” Given both the energy and diversity of the festival and its participants, both of these goals are being reached. As KlezKanada fellow and Brooklyn clarinet player Michael Winograd states, “I don’t see it as a revival anymore – I see it as living.”

In addition to KlezKanada’s many workshops and discussion groups, one of the festival’s main attractions are the nightly concerts and cabarets, where impromptu performances and jams are not uncommon. Highlights from this year included performances by celebrated Klezmer personality Theodore Bikel, who played the lead in the 1971 film version of Fiddler on the Roof, and legendary pianist Irving Fields, renowned for his 1959 Klezmer-Latin fusion album Bagels and Bongos. Guest celebrities aside, KlezKanada also boasted its own world-class faculty, including artistic directors and Klezmer pioneers Michael Alpert of Brave Old World and Jeff Warschauer of the Klezmer Conservatory Band. This year the festival was also pleased to include McGill’s own Professor of Cello, Matt Haimovitz.

Though KlezKanada has by now grown to reach its maximum capacity, its organizers and participants already have other projects in the works. “The focus now is on outreach,” explains Goldman. Efforts include a record label, which has already released a faculty anthology album, and additional educational programs are in the works. Goldman also hopes to put together a KlezKanada faculty band that will go on tour, though plans have yet to be finalized.

“We’re in a renaissance right now,” Goldman proclaims. “The music itself has taken hold.”

For further information visit www.klezkanada.com

Arts & Entertainment

PREVIEWS

by Crystal Chan on

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Theatre. New Classical Theatre Fest: Hamlet (Solo), until Sept. 9; Theatre St-Catherine (264 St-Catherine E.).Blink an eye and you’ll miss the closing night of the showcase piece from this year’s New Classical Theatre Fest, a Gravy Bath Productions and Montreal Young Company that aims to stage innovative salutes to the classics. At just three years old, the festival’s progress has been a marvel to track and this year is the most exciting yet. Hamlet (Solo) is a one-man show by Raoul Bhaneja that is a surprisingly fresh portrayal of the most formidable role in all English theatre. And as if Hamlet weren’t enough, Bhaneja will go through 16 more roles before the play ends, all sans props. Some might call this mind-boggling feat madness, but there is a method to it. Call 540-0774 for more information.

Music. The Black Eyed Peas, Sept. 12, 7:30 p.m.;The Bell Centre (1260 Rue De La Gauchetière O). This may be your last chance to see Fergie and crew while they are still under one name. The funkified hip-hop ensemble from Los Angeles is touring their latest album, Monkey Business, which garnered four Grammy nominations. They will be in town this coming Tuesday night for one performance only. Grab the chance to let loose to “Don’t Phunk With My Heart,” “Pump It” and all those other lusciously groovy songs you’ve wrinkled your nose distastefully at after they’ve played for the hundredth time on the radio – but that you secretly love. Also performing with them will be Rhianna and Swollen Members. Visit www.bellcentre.ca for more information.

Film. Hollywoodland, opens Sept. 8.In his latest comeback attempt, Ben Affleck plays George Reeves, star of the mid-century Superman TV series, whose strange suicide story stole headlines and shook up the tangled world of 1950s Hollywood. Diane Lane turns in a strong performance as his aging lover in the first of the post-summer, pre-Oscar string of movies that everyone will be talking about. This mystery thriller, which was premiered in Montreal at the International Film Festival, also stars Adrien Brody as a private eye investigating the possibilities of foul play in Reeves’ death. Just as in the best of post-mortem biopic, Citizen Kane, the dramatics of the mystery story are less than absorbing compared to the raw documentation of the everyday life of a man behind a superhero. No Citizen Kane, but a good popcorn-munching movie that you will definitely pull up as cocktail party conversation.

Art. Photographic and Video Images in Contemporary Canadian Art, until Oct. 22;Montreal Museum of Fine Arts (1379 Sherbrooke Street Pavilion). This free exhibit, exclusive to the Montreal Museum of Fine Arts, opened in mid-summer and there are two months left to catch it. Bringing the best of the MMFA, the National Art Gallery and the Art Gallery of Ontario together for the first time, it focuses on some of the big name modern photographers such as Jeff Wall and Michael Snow, as well as featuring works from up and coming genxers. The works explore western society through its outlets and mediums of expression such as pop culture. Works are thematically divided into two forms: the portrait and the landscape. The result is a look at identity, beauty and mythology that is at times comic, ironic or informative. Or all three. Festival. Magic of Lanterns, Sept. 8 – Oct. 31;Montreal Botanical Gardens (4101 Sherbrooke E). Unknown to most, Montreal’s Botanical Gardens contain the largest Chinese garden outside Asia. It’s being put to good use during the annual lantern fest, where until 9 p.m. daily visitors will be able to enjoy the Chinese Celebration themed displays and events. While strolling through the five outdoor lantern displays, get a taste of Chinese pastries and enjoy listening to and examining a variety of classical Chinese instruments assembled at the Friendship Pavillion. The lanterns are all handmade in Shanghai. Not to be missed.

Arts & Entertainment

REVIEWS

by Ben Lemieux on

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Ray Lamontagne – Till the Sun Turns Black. Lamontagne’s mesmerizing debut, Trouble, was one of the most critically lauded sleeper hits of 2004, landing spots on a variety of film and TV soundtracks and rocketing him into folk-rock stardom. Since then, Lamontagne has been on a seemingly ceaseless tour schedule-dropping by Montreal three times in the past year. A second studio release within less than two years of his debut spelt likely disaster to many Lamontagne fans. Many anticipated a label-pressured release, bearing too much resemblance to Trouble to hold its own and suffering from hastened song writing and production. Few were expecting the kind of artistic merit, poetry and sheer genius Till the Sun Turns Black effortlessly exudes. Whereas Trouble hinged on Lamontagne’s emotive and poignant vocal deliveries and rather classic, tried-and-true folk-rock arrangements, Till the Sun is a far more subdued work, which is hardly as palatable upon first listen but has more captivating subtleties and undertones than any other album released in recent memory. Producer, multi-instrumentalist and long-time collaborator Ethan Johns colours every song on this album with sinuous guitar work and graceful string arrangements, even bringing a full horn section into the studio for the bluesy “You Can Bring Me Flowers.” Lamontagne’s delivery remains understated and restrained throughout, the polar opposite of what generated buzz for Trouble, but a style which Till the Sun is so gorgeously plotted around. This album lives up to its predecessor while simultaneously escaping the carbon-copy syndrome that many sophomore albums will face. A sublime, moving and unforgettable listen.

Gosling – Here is…If you can wrap your mind around the notion of parallel universes, imagine one in which the Doors formed in the early 21st century and was poised to champion the indie-rock scene. That, in a nutshell, is what Gosling is all about. A reincarnation of Washington hard-rock act Loudermilk, Gosling’s mellower and more stylistically diverse full-length debut is an utterly engrossing album. Though not geared towards mainstream listening audiences, this is real musician’s music, and the best you’re likely to hear these days. Songs like “Worm Waltz” and “Waiting for the Sun” have playful guitar and piano lines, contrasted by singer/guitarist Davey Ingersoll’s quirky but potent vocal turns. Gosling conveys the majesty of Queen and offers some Beatlesian vocal harmonies, but through careful production and plain ol’ punk-rock spirit, retains a gritty, urban, rock-till-you-drop mystique, especially on the swift, relentless, fuzzed-out thrasher “The Glass is Empty.” These guys pick up where the Strokes left off, and have no trouble filling the 21st century rock and roll shoes.Gosling plays live Saturday, Sept. 9 at the Green Room, 5390 St-Laurent. Call 514-495-4448 for more information.

Arts & Entertainment

POP RHETORIC: My opinion is better than your opinion

by Ben Lemieux on

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It’s a conversation we’ve all had before. You’re sitting with one of your indie, Mile-End hipster friends at Bagel’s Etc. finishing off the remainder of your baked potatoes and, misfortunate as you are to be hung-over, you make the cognitively unsound decision to utter aloud, “Dude… Leonard Cohen’s music fucking sucks.”

Mistake.

Faster than you’ve ever seen a quasi-alcoholic move into action, your spirited friend makes the leap to town pride overdrive, accusing you of having an overblown superiority complex.

“That’s just your fucking opinion, man. You have to go on stating that shit as fact? Am I not allowed to enjoy Leonard Cohen’s music just because ‘Mr-the-ultimate-barometer-for-what-sucks’ over here can’t grapple with the fact that something he believes in could possibly be wrong?”

And so you think to yourself, “Shit. My friend hasn’t showered in three days, but he may be right. Maybe it was pompous of me to state my opinion as fact. Maybe I should cut that shit out.”

Today I’m here to tell you that you absolutely, positively should not cut that shit out.

We’ve reached a day and age where words like “indie,” “expressionism,” or even “music” have become such umbrella terms that people feel the only barometer by which to evaluate artistry is one’s own opinion of it. And if that isn’t pompous, I don’t know what is.

Fact is, there are (and always ought to be) objective criteria by which all music, film and visual art can be judged qualitatively. We’ve just grown so accustomed to this “individual opinion matters” mumbo-jumbo that we’ve become lazy in our appraisals. Picture the same scenario described above, except this time instead of buckling like a belt when verbally attacked, throw back a punch.

“I never said you weren’t allowed to enjoy Leonard Cohen’s music… just so long as you recognize that it indisputably sucks harder than Anna Nicole Smith in a room full of millionaires.”

Indisputably, muthafucka! Now you’ve got his attention.

“I mean, the dude’s a great poet, don’t get me wrong, but he can’t bloody sing. And don’t give me that ‘well, it’s part of the charm’ crap because you won’t meet a single person on this planet who wouldn’t rather hear Jeff Buckley sing one of his tunes than the man himself. Gravelly voice my ass. It’s like having sandpaper drawn across your exposed kidneys. Might even be tolerable Q92 listening, but his use of backup vocals is tackier and more needlessly overused than Eric Clapton’s, and the instrumental parts are soulless and uninspired.”

And there you have it. His opinion means nothing because you’ve laid down the facts. Someone with less than an octave vocal range and monotonous delivery is a bad singer. Excessive gospel backup vocals are tedious and just plain tasteless. Uninspired music is, well, uninspired.

The same goes for film and theatre. Be analytical, ask yourself: is the camera work distinct and inventive? Are the performances credible and do they appropriately reflect the intentions of the work? Does the screenplay have loose ends and frivolous dialogue or is it a tightly-woven piece? Has proper attention been paid to set decoration and costuming? Do the actors make good use of and react suitably to their space and surroundings?

In brief, this is a prompt of sorts. Don’t just accept whatever the American Film Institute says. Instead, take the initiative to ask a Concordia film student why Citizen Kane is indeed one of the most formidable films of the past century. It is important to take the initiative to know what’s what when it comes to art, as opposed to just falling back upon mere opinions. Paying even cursory attention to the small details in art/film/music history can drastically enhance your ability to measure the subtle difference between good art and merely average works. That and you won’t have to feel guilty over breakfast anymore.

Features

FEATURE: Cheap meat

by Conor Graham on

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This is for all the U1 students out there who are finally discovering the joys of having their own apartments. Although you might miss the glory days of Rez, you will soon realize the far superior nature of living off campus.

One of the hardest things to adjust to is cooking your own food. As much fun as it is to finally be able to pick your own menu, a lot of people find cooking to be a pain in the… Rump Roast. For those among us that really give ‘er and throw meals together, I salute you. For the other 97 per cent of the universe, there is an easier way. For the lazy vegetarian in all of us, the solution lies on St. Laurent in the form of three “cachuteries” and a meat-stitution.

If luncheon meats, decent cheeses, snotty condiments and bulk pâté are your cravings of the day, you have to head to La Vieille Europe (3855 St. Laurent). Just up St-Laurent, near Duluth, this place is food snob heaven. As an added bonus for chocolate snobs, not only does this shop have a more-than-decent selection of cocoa products, but it is also one of the very few places in Montreal where you can buy Callebault chocolate, hailed as the best Canadian-produced chocolate in the world.

If price is really an issue, walk south to the Boucherie Charcuterie Slovenia (3653 St. Laurent) just across from the candy store on St. Laurent, between Pins and Prince-Arthur. The nice Eastern-European woman at the front will stand ready, and all you have to say is “spicy salami, spicy mustard” to find yourself in more temporary ecstasy than any narcotic could produce. They also have some of the harder-to-find Quebec cheeses and an excellent butcher section, if you ever have enough time to cook your own stuff.

Finally, to find meat there is really only one place: Schwartz’s (3895 St. Laurent), the one and only, accept no substitutes. Cott’s Cherry Cola is required, and for god’s sake, if it’s your first time, order lean.

Features

FEATURE: Frosh-damentals

by Elizabeth Nieto on

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ow. Ow. OW! Who replaced the florescent lights with pointy, pointy knives?These are the thoughts running through poor little Gordon-the-Freshman’s head the morning after his first night of Frosh week. If Gordon´s waking thoughts are any indication, he is well on his way to achieving Frosh-Success.Like his frosh leader explained the night before, McGill Frosh Week is just like freshman classes: the common belief that both are exclusively for first year students is an enormous misconception.”Frosh week is like a rite of passage,” a fifth-year bio-chem major quips as he sets up an IV drip to get his vodka more directly. “If you don’t complete it properly, as far as I’m concerned, you must repeat it until you do.”How you do it right the first time, though, is what Gordon wants to know. Right on, Gordon. Right on. Here are the ultimate McGill Frosh fundamentals, compiled from the stories of students of all ages and faculties. If you find that one or more of these were missing from your frosh experience, you are doomed to give it another go… or must sacrifice your left nut and/or ovary to the frosh Gods.** note: although no real names have been included, every quote below is real. Everyone is in the same drunken boatIt is inevitable that everyone you meet in frosh week will share the same interests as you: “We both like liquids with bubbles,” exclaims second-year-Sidney excitedly of her new friendship with Gordon. “But not beer. Or Diet Coke. Tequila counts, right?”You’ll have the same experiences, too: “We both want to be doctors!” Sidney sloppily continues. “An Art History doctor and an Engineering doctor!” Sometimes, you might even share a name: “I’ve renamed Gordo,” explains Sidney seriously, “I’ve renamed everyone. To Paris Hilton. Because that’s MY name.”

Floorcest: How convenient!”I was warned about floor-gies and floor-gasms from all my older friends,” an undisclosed fourth-year student recounts. “Then, when I (of course) did it, I remember thinking to myself, ‘Wow. This is the shortest walk of shame I will ever have to do!'” “I agree,” a guy (who is only known by his dorm-mates as “that guy”) chimes in. “And, you know, I was actually able to get back my favourite I´ heart boobs t-shirt the next day!” Score.´

Indiana Frosh Week and the Temple of PoonIt’s true, this is the week to “raid” some “lost arcs,” but remember to always come prepared… because you never know when a 10ft boulder will come rolling out.

Beware of “Frosh Friends””My BFF (best-frosh-friend) told me that her psychic had foreseen us becoming friends. I thought that was SO cool!” says a U2 Arts student, reflecting back on her experience. “But now, whenever I see her, I wonder just what kind of Payote that woman must have been smoking.”

More Cushion for the Pushin’The freshman 15 bursts into the scene during frosh week (just like your soon-to-be enormous ass). This weight gain is inevitable, and if you are not at least five pounds up by the end of the week, well, you’ve probably caught something.

“Baring” it all”Everyone must experience running around the Three Bares naked,” insists a former 2001 frosh leader. “Or at least take some, shall-we-say, indecent pictures nearby.” He is referring to the area by the Arts Building with the fountain, where various events, such as OAP, are known to take place. Why? It’s grassy, it’s wet and let’s face it, those naked statues are kind of hot.

Where is my right eyebrow?No, seriously guys. It’s not funny any more. What the hell happened after that game of truth-or-dare kings?

Avoiding the Coyote FuglyEvade those mornings when you’d rather gnaw off your own arm than wake up the unfortunate-looking person beside you. When none of your friends are sober enough to give you an opinion on the stranger you are taking home, there is always one option available: call dear old mom. Guaranteed, if you get her on the horn, she will impart such nougats of wisdom onto you as: “What time is it?”, “Who IS this?” and “Well, is he a nice, Jewish doctor?”

And, if all else fails…There is always SnoAP come winter time. Practice makes perfect, man.

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