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FEATURE: Ferris Bueller did it, why can’t we?

Most students wouldn’t mind taking a day off from school, a la Ferris Bueller, but beating the system in university requires more complex tactics than those used by the quintissential high school slacker. For some undergraduates, a medical note is academic paydirt; a device through which they score extensions on – or even exemptions from – completing assignments, exams and other academic responsibilities. A surprisingly high number of students at McGill admit openly to abusing this system to their own benefit, shrugging off the idea that it could be at the expense of truly ill students, some of whom claim to feel marginalized by the growing group of “fakers'”clogging up the clinics.

A cheating culture“The system is all about grade and number values – and that does not strictly apply to university,” asserts a U2 Arts student (who has asked for his name and major to remain anonymous), suggesting that greater society does not foster ethical behaviour, making cheating a necessity for survival in the North American economic climate. “No one cares how you do it, just that you do it well. If getting an extension is the way to get the best grade, then you know what, so be it. I’m not saying it is something I do… but if I needed to, I guess, I wouldn’t be against it or anything.”

Some students even offer advice from their personal medical note successes. “Don’t eat the evening and morning before you go into the clinic,” advises a U1 History student. “Use the words ‘vomit’ and ‘nausea,’ and speak as little as possible. The less words you use, the more believable you are,” she continues and laughs. “Sick people don’t want to speak, they want to sleep!”

Hardy, har, har…Other students, however, worry about the level of sobriety with which their peers regard this “habitual and growing” problem across faculties. “It happens all the time. It’s a joke,” says a bitter Shaamini Yogaretnam, U2 Political Science. “According to some of my friends, the slightest cough, runny nose or even perfectly timed frown results in a signature on a paper that gets you out of something you should’ve been prepared for!”

Jennie Sardo, U2 English, agrees. “This is university, not high school. You pay to be here. If you don’t want to do the work, well, no one is making you stay here. Other people would kill for this opportunity.”

Others argue that the excess of students in the McGill Health Services center during exams is not the fault of slacker students who want to skip out on studying, but rather, a number that is representative of the time of year. “Stress can lead to illness. The less sleep you’ve had, the more prone you are to catch something. I honestly think that more people are sick during exam season; not because of fakers, but because no one is taking care of themselves,” a U3 Science student argues. “I don’t know many people who would be willing to brave hours in line at that center, anyway, unless they really did need to see a doctor!”

Get out of jail free?Director of Student Health Services Dr. Pierre-Paul Tellier offers some insight into the process behind this so-called problem at McGill. “It’s important to understand that the notes that we give [at Student Health Services] do not tell a professor or dean that they should excuse a student from an exam,” he explains. “What it does do is essentially outline what the problem is and what the possible impact is on the abilities for the students to study.” This means that a medical note does not, in fact, guarantee an excuse from assignments or exams, contrary to what many students are led to believe. It is the academic offices that assess the seriousness of the case in relation to the assignment, not the doctors. “It’s all very unique to each faculty,” Tellier adds.

He maintains that the academic deans are “quite fair” and suggests that McGill does, in fact, have a very good handle on the situation. “Frequently, people are actually ill and that is a reason for them not to write an exam. Other people are not physically ill, but extremely anxious, for example, or maybe drank too much coffee during the night and are in no shape to write the exam. Things of this nature do sometimes occur. But, again, we simply document that information, and it is up to the faculty what they can do.”

While it is not the responsibility of the doctors and nurses on staff to assess the seriousness of the illness – be it mental or physical – in relation to the student’s academic abilities, Tellier maintains that feeling stressed out “is not an excuse. We will write that on the note, but an academic dean will probably say ‘sorry.’ Stress is part of writing the exam, part of the process. . . Unless it is something ongoing, or it is a pathological mental health disorder that causes anxiety on an ongoing basis.”

Breaking the habitOne U1 Cultural Studies student and over-zealous cheater has admitted to faking illness to get out of completing over 20 assignments and exams in the past two years. This medical note maharaja shares these words of council to those who find themselves following a similar path: “You know, you may feel like you gain a victory every time you pull one over on the nurses, but in the end, it will bite you in the ass… trust me.”

News

@MAC: New library slowly revealing itself

Students are finally beginning to see some results of the summer’s renovations on the Macdonald Campus Library.

Only the upper level of the library, which houses the print journal collection, the photocopiers and some computers, was made available to students after being closed since May 1. The remainder of the library will be available by the first week of October and a grand opening is later in October as a part of homecoming celebrations.

However, the opening is about four weeks late according to Head Librarian Erica Burnham.

“The thing we are really waiting for,” she said, “is the completion of the link [between the library and the main building on campus] because that’s going to be how everyone will get to the library and we can’t really open the library until the link is finished.”

After the completion of the link, the library materials as well as instructional courses will be moved into the new space.

Burnham emphasized that the new library will have more group study space as well as a greater focus on technology.

“When the library is finished, there will be a total of 25 computers. We have tables with electricity and data jacks in them, so it will be a better place in terms of working with print materials and the computer at the same time. In general, we hope that it will be more comfortable for people to sit and read, and we will also have some quiet study spaces.”

Prior to the partial opening, a temporary setup was made in the faculty lounge.  At the beginning of the summer, all of the books and journals-6,500 boxes in total-were packed up and made inaccessible, but as the library purchased new books and had materials returned to them, they were able to circulate a limited amount of materials to the graduate students and staff who were still on campus.  Additional books were made available via inter-library loans.

Undergraduates, on the other hand, were less affected since the closure happened after final exams and courses have yet to kick into full gear for this semester.

“There is some confusion, but we’re trying to get the professors to understand what materials are available,” Burnham said. “It’s certainly an inconvenience, but one that couldn’t really be avoided.”

The feedback on the new library has been mixed and students have many suggestions for what will be made available on the main floor of the library.

“It’s less depressing,” said Kathleen Shaw, U3 Dietetics. “I don’t know what the other floor is going to look like, but I don’t like the open tables, I liked the individual carrels they had before and I hope they’ll have them.”

Anik Girard, U1 Bioresource Engineering, had not seen the library pre-renovations, but liked the lighting and ambiance that this library provides.

“For now it’s nice, but I hope they’ll have more public computers, because most of the ones here seem to only access the library catalogue.”

The library will be officially opened on October 21.

News

CAMPUS: 4Floors postponed

The recent events at Dawson College caused the Students’ Society to reschedule the traditional September 4Floors party in Shatner last week. However, after low attendance in previous years, many are wondering if 4Floors can ever be revived to its previous glory days.

The cancellation was “out of respect for those who are personally affected by this tragic event,” according to the SSMU website, which went on to encourage anyone affected by the shootings to be with friends and family.

The event has been tentatively rescheduled for Sept. 29. “I don’t want to push it back any farther than this month,” said SSMU Vice-president Communications and Events Gill Prendergast.

Last year, the infamous 4Floors party was revamped and named “Ménage à Trois,” with only three floors and a red-light district theme, but the event didn’t quite live up to its former glory. However, those who did attend enjoyed themselves.

“I might go this year,” said Mike Garfinkle, U2 Chemistry. “I liked it a lot last year.”

This year’s event has returned to the original name, but has a new theme.

“Last year no one knew what it was,” said Prendergast. “We went back to the name because it’s famous.”

Although the party has been branded in the past as a freshman event, this year’s organizers are hoping to attract a more diverse population. Drink specials are available with Frosh shirts or mugs from any Frosh, from any year.

“We want to get back to the old school way of doing things,” Prendergast said. “We’re not trying to do anything super fancy because it’s not super fancy. It ran well when it was just about being gross and [having] cheap beer.”

The theme is “Tagged,” which alludes to the graffiti party that will spread through the building on Friday.

Attendees are encouraged to wear white T-shirts or undershirts, or pick up a free SSMU Frosh T-shirt at the door. They will then be able to use highlighters that show up under ultraviolet light to draw on others throughout the night. The person with the most ‘tags’ at the end of the party will win a prize.

However, the UV lights will not be in every room and party-goers must track down a light before they can see what has been written on their shirt.

But will this year’s event be any more of a success than last year?

“Last year we had just put SSMU Frosh on and I think that everyone was just tired. This year it’s later, so hopefully people will be ready to party,” Prendergast said.

Prendergast also tried to advertise the event widely, utilizing Internet sensations like YouTube and Facebook by posting a video made by TV McGill.

But many McGill students are still unaware that the event exists.

“I’ve never heard of it, so I probably won’t go,” said Michelle Roseman, U2 Psychology.

The potential for free alcohol and prizes may also draw out more people.

“We’re trying to get floor fellows to bring down their entire floor,” Prendergast said. “If they do, they’ll get a bottle of liquor that we’ve gotten as promotions because we’ve bought so much.” There are 12 bottles available to be won.

There is a PSP to be given away as well to the person with the most enthusiasm. The competition may involve a dance-off.

“It’s hard to judge this kind of thing, but whoever is having the most fun wins,” Prendergast said.

Sports

FOOTBALL: Gaither maul Redmen

A year off may have cured many of the ills that plagued McGill’s football program last season, but not quite all of them. Last year, the team’s Achilles heel was an inability to stop the running game and, judging by their performance on Saturday against Bishop’s, not much has changed.

Gaiters running back Jamal Lee treated a boisterous crowd of just over 1,800 on hand at a cold and rainy Coulter Stadium to a prolific performance, gaining 279 yards and two touchdowns. His rushing total broke the team’s single game record for rushing yards and paced Bishop’s to a 27- 16 victory. In a game that is often won and lost in the trenches, McGill was completely outclassed by a Bishop’s side that out-rushed them by over 300 yards.

“We have to correct the mistakes we made defensively,” said Redmen Head Coach Chuck McMann. “We’re very young on defence so hopefully the guys will learn, in that they know what the level of play is. I don’t think they knew what to expect.”

Once more into the breach

Ironically, McGill got off on the right foot in the game, picking up 80 yards on their first possession before finally stalling inside the Bishop’s ten yard line and settling for a field goal. The defence followed that up by stopping Lee for a one yard loss on his first run, and when halfback Anthony Lucka intercepted a Dusty Whyte pass four plays later, the Redmen seemed to be in good shape.

But on the next play, McGill Quarterback Matt Connell gave the ball right back to the Gaiters and from that point on it was all Bishop’s. Lee would cap the ensuing drive by taking a pitch and scampering six yards for his first touchdown of the afternoon.

“It was pretty rough out there,” Connell said. “We had a good first drive but from then on it was all downhill. We were getting out-schemed on offence, we got behind early and from there it was hard to play catch-up. [Bishop’s] has a great running back.”

Indeed it was Lee’s second touchdown that would change the makeup of this match. With 5:19 left in the half and the game still within reach at 17-4 the sophomore back took a hand-off up the middle, bounced off a tackle, made a quick cut towards the right sideline and ran for daylight on his way to a 70 yard touchdown dash.

Lee had his choice of running lanes all day as the Gaiters offensive linemen-who on average outweigh the defensive linemen of McGill by almost 50 pounds-dominated the line of scrimmage. Even fullback Tim Cronk was quite impressive, rushing five times for 46 yards.

“My offensive-line is amazing,” Lee said. “They did a great job today and they made me look good.”

Late charge falls short

To their credit, the Redmen didn’t roll over when the game began to get out of hand. Down 24-5 in the third quarter, Connell and company drove 77 yards to the Bishop’s four yard line only to see wide receiver Charles-Antoine Sinotte drop a pass in the end-zone on third and goal.

On the ensuing drive, the McGill defence came up huge. With the Gaiters threatening deep in Redmen territory, linebacker Jean-Nicholas Carrière anticipated a screen pass, and picked off quarterback Dusty Whyte’s short toss. However, he was denied the score by Jamal Lee, who stopped Carrière 95 yards later at the Bishop’s 11-yard line.

“It was just a reaction play, when you feel that fullback release early you think to yourself, maybe this is a little screen or hitch play,” Carrière said. “I just released at the right time, grabbed it, and then [Lee] got me. I thought I was going to get my first touchdown there but I guess I’ll just have to intercept another one.”

The Redmen would eventually turn that play into three points. They followed that up the with a five-play, 70-yard touchdown drive punctuated by a 53-yard catch-and-run play from Connell to wide receiver Erik Galas and finished with running back Michael Samman scoring from two yards out.

But it was too little too late. While McGill managed to move the ball quite well on offence, amassing 345 yards, it was incompletions at key moments that killed drives all day. The Redmen converted three possessions inside the Bishop’s ten yard line into just six points.

“Offensively we have to make more plays,” McMann said. “We moved the football but then we’d drop passes or go offside; we just didn’t make the catches when we needed to.”

As always there’s no rest for the weary as McGill will host perennial powerhouse Laval next Saturday at Molson Stadium. The week should leave enough time to prepare an offence which requires a little fine tuning but not for a defence which remains a work in progress.

Sports

UPON FURTHER REVIEW: Should the Pack drop Favre

There are great players, and then there are pantheon players. In every sport, there is a very select group of men that transcends the unwritten rules of the game. In football, Brett Favre is undoubtedly one of these extremely special and respected athletes. As fantastic a player he is on the field, there is one opponent that he cannot evade or defeat: age. All athletes grow older and with each year, their skills deteriorate. Certainly, Brett Favre is at the end of his career; his skills have faded enough that, often, he is more of a liability than an attribute for the Green Bay Packers.

However, he has earned the right to retire whenever his heart desires. He owes nothing to the city of Green Bay; they owe him everything. If he is not the greatest quarterback in the Pack’s history-never mind in NFL history-he is at least on par with the legendary Bart Starr. Favre led the Packers to a Super Bowl championship, back-to-back Super Bowl appearances and the greatest success the franchise has experienced since the days of iconic coach Vince Lombardi. He has started every Packers game since Sept. 20, 1992, for crying out loud.

Could anyone imagine the Chicago Bulls asking Michael Jordan to retire from their team? Had The Great One stayed, would the fans of the Edmonton Oilers ever have demanded Wayne Gretzky leave the team? Of course not! Brett Favre is Green Bay and the Packers are Brett Favre. Despite his struggles, Favre is still one of the top NFL quarterbacks in history; he has every right to leave Green Bay whenever he desires. For this simple fact alone, he can do what he pleases.

-Aaron Sigal

As Marcellus Wallace said in Pulp Fiction, “Thing is Butch, right now you have ability. But painful as it may be, ability don’t last”. Now substitute the name Butch for Brett.

Green Bay Packers quarterback and future Hall-of-Famer Brett Favre always has had a raw talent for the game of football. But whether it’s the concussions, the more evolved defensive schemes or just age, clearly his time has passed. It seems in Favre’s case that while the flesh is still willing, it’s the mind that is now weak.

Last year Favre led the league in interceptions with 29, 12 more then any of his colleagues. However, I’m not going to talk about Favre’s legacy and how it will be affected by him hanging on and accumulating interceptions. What troubles me more is that he’s holding his team back.

The Packers are not going to challenge for the Super Bowl this year, or even next year for that matter. So why is Favre hanging on? Clearly the Pack is in the midst of a rebuilding process, a central component of which is moving from the Brett Favre era to the Aaron Rogers one, the Golden Brett’s heir apparent. That process isn’t going to move ahead any quicker with Favre under centre.

Brett always has been a team player. It’s time he assumes that role once more and put his team’s interests before his own. -Charlie Blore

Sports

PROFILE-MEN’S ROWING: From flyers to a flying finish

While very few university students can say that they are on their country’s national rowing team, even fewer can say that they have won a medal at the World Rowing Championships. However, Derek O’Farrell can lay claim to both. Over the summer, the U4 physiology student finished third in the Men’s Coxed Pair at the under-23 World Rowing Championship in Eton, UK, becoming the first McGill rower to ever reach the podium at a World Championship.

What’s even more remarkable is that rowing only recently became a major part of O’Farrell’s life.

“I started rowing at McGill,” O’Farrell said. “Before I came here, I had never really seen or heard of rowing as a sport other than on TV, so I really came in with no experience. I was just sitting on the field when I got a flyer to come try out for the rowing team. So I thought, ‘Oh, why not?'”.

The road to bronze

Despite O’Farrell’s achievements, his life has not been different from most young Canadians. Growing up in Unionville, Ontario., O’Farrell’s sport of choice was hockey. Also, like many students in Canada, O’Farrell says that he always wanted to come to McGill-though it never had anything to do with rowing. On the contrary, he has always wanted to become a doctor.

But in rowing, O’Farrell found a new passion – one that would be difficult to master. Intense training and dedication is what it has taken to make his dramatic progression in the sport.

“When I first started, I was surrounded by people who were way better than me,” O’Farrell said. “I saw how dedicated they were to the sport and I really started to fit into their niche. I trained with them hard, and I just naturally progressed. When I started out as a novice, I would try to train once a day if possible and then when I decided to try out for the national team, it was more like twice a day. On the national team, you move out to Victoria to train-they train three times a day on the water. It’s like a full-time job.”

Teammate and club President John Muratori concurred with O’Farrell, explaining that like any sport, only those who go the extra mile in training will succeed in the long term.

“The training program is as difficult as any other top tier sport,” Muratoni said. “We’re up at 5:30 a.m. and train for two and a half hours. If you’re serious about it, like Derek is, you also have to be committed to additional workouts and developing beyond the normal practices. Like any sport, you need to be there putting in the extra time. That’s where Derek really achieved success”.

“Derek is a guy who loves the ‘urge’ to train and loving the urge is what is needed in this sport to reach the highest levels,” Muratori added.

Still, O’Farrell owes much of his advancement in rowing to McGill.

“[The McGill system] is a really, really good system,” he said. “You can take someone who’s never rowed or even seen a real boat before and turn them into a varsity athlete and maybe even a national team rower.”

Muratoni agreed with O’Farrell’s assessment, believing that O’Farrell’s progress and success were greatly enhanced by McGill’s rowing program.

“It’s a testament to the structure,” Muratoni said. “Derek started off in the novice program, basically someone who’s never raced before. Really, it’s a tribute to the McGill Rowing system that we can take someone who’s never been in a boat and take them to the top level in the sport.”

The future

Considering that most rowers peak in their late 20s, O’Farrell has a pretty bright future ahead of him. Asked if he intends to carry on rowing or pursue medicine instead, O’Farrell is clearly keeping his options open.

“The passion [of being a doctor] has been a little bit deflected for now,” O’Farrell said. “But I’m sure that once I decide what I’m going to do with my life I’ll have the same passion that I had for rowing and I’ll drive for it”.

And we would all hope that O’Farrell does indeed drive for it: for McGill, for Canada and for himself. Whether he chooses a career in medicine or rowing, O’Farrell has good options on all sides.

-additional reporting by David Blye and Aaron Sigal

Sports

SPORTS BRIEFS

Martlets chalk up another winMcGill’s rugby women got the regular season off on the right foot on Sunday, crushing Bishop’s 55-0. Centre Laura Belvedere led the team with four tries, while prop Valerie Evans and fullback Julianne Zussman each scoring twice. The game actually ended 77-0, but was called five minutes from the end of regulation on a mercy rule. the win runs the Martlet’s unbeaten streak over the last nine years to 54-0-1.

Redbirds sweep StingersMcGill improved it’s record to 2-3 by winning both ends of a double-header Sunday against Concordia. In the opener, leftfielder Steve Hersch led the Redbirds at the plate going two for three and scoring two runs helping them to a 9-3 victory. Pitcher Anthony Carbone threw a complete game. In the nightcap, first baseman Eric Mutter and Jon Comeau led the offence, combining for five RBIs on five hits in a 8-0 thrashing. Pitcher Ben Chrisholm threw a complete game shutout, allowing just four hits while stricking out two.

Redmen earn shutout over Gee-GeesOn Saturday, the McGill men’s soccer team wound up their pre-season schedule with a 2-0 victory at Molson Stadium over Ottawa University. Striker Gareth Pugh opened the scoring in the 19th minute and also set up Eugene Grasske’s insurance marker in the 58th. The win means the team finishes the pre-season with a 3-2 record, and will open at home next Friday against Université de Sherbrooke. Goalkeepers Olivier Boulva and Michael Faustini shared credit for the clean sheet.

Redmen rugby notches an impressive winMcGill pummeled Ecole de Technologie Superieure by a score of 70-7 Sunday in Ste. Julie. The Redmen spread the scoring around with seven different player registering tries, led by outside centre Bryce Thomassin with three. The Redmen will look to improve on their 1-0 record with a win next Sunday at Molson Stadium against Sherbrooke.

Sports

ON DECK

Martlets Soccer-McGill vs. Sherbrooke; Friday, 6p.m.The Quebec champion Martlets open the season in the friendly confines of Molson Stadium against Sherbrooke. In what should be a challenging game against an always fiesty Vert et Or side, McGill will have the chance to show the home fans why they are a top contender for the ultimate prize at the end of the season-the National Championship.

Redmen Football-McGill vs. Laval; Saturday, 1 p.m.Coming off a painful loss to Bishop’s, the Redmen have no time to recover. Instead of licking their wounds, the team will probably have new ones ripped open by the perennially powerful Laval Rouge et Or squad. A huge upset if McGill were to win, don’t expect this game to be of the thrilling variety-unless you’re the Molson Stadium landscaper; he’ll only have to re-grass half the field.

Martlets Ice Hockey-McGill vs. Quebec Avalanche; Sunday, 1 p.m.Oh the good old hockey game! The great Canadian past-time makes its 2006 debut at McConnell Arena with a powerhouse Martlets team taking on the Quebec Avalanche. There’s nothing like an afternoon in the arena watching high quality hockey, a product these Martlets are sure to provide. Like their soccer counterparts, keep an eye out for these women on their attempt to capture the CIS title.

NCAA Football-#11 Michigan at #2 Notre Dame; Saturday, 3:30 p.m. on NBCIn a mammoth clash of college football titans, old rivals Michigan Wolverines take on the Notre Dame Fighting Irish in South Bend. Expect a high scoring game beneath the watchful eye of Touchdown Jesus as two of the NCAA’s most potent offences try to top each other. The loser not only will lose bragging rights, but more importantly, will be knocked out of the race to the BCS National Championship game.

Boxing- Marco Antonio Barrera vs. Rocky Juarez, Saturday.Barrera won their first meeting in May, but it could have gone either way. Both are free swingers with tons of power which should make for an exciting contest. The fight will be for Barrera’s WBC Junior Lightweight title. If you don’t watch much boxing or aren’t very familiar with the division, it’s by far the most entertaining and competitive in boxing right now. This one is a matter of pride; both men lost a bit of it last time, so expect a war.

Behind the Bench, Sports

THIRD MAN IN: Hail to the true home run king

I hate this article. I hate the necessity of this debate. It disgusts me, as it disgusts many, that baseball has become a witch-hunt; a magnet for cynics.

Baseball is a beautiful, unappreciated sport. It is exciting, deeply cerebral and rich with history. But recently, under the ever-expanding cloud of steroid use, it is this thick history that has been barraged by questions of legitimacy. Baseball is a sport of icons and records; people like Ruth, Mays, Mantle, Gehrig, Aaron and Williams have become national heroes, setting records that have sustained interest in the game for generations.

Of all the records, none is more hallowed than the single season home run record-currently held by Barry Bonds. When Babe Ruth smacked 60 home runs in 1927, it became the standard for a generation. Thirty-four years later, Roger Maris eclipsed the Bambino, slugging 61 long balls. Then eight years ago, Mark McGwire set a new plateau with 70 in a season; in the same year, fellow slugger Sammy Sosa also broke Maris’ record by crushing 66 moon shots. Most recently, the ever-controversial Barry Bonds claimed the record in 2001 by hitting 73 homers, passing McGwire.

But since then, evidence has surfaced indicating that Bonds, McGwire, and Sosa were all taking performance enhancing drugs while they were breaking this sacred benchmark. Although none have been convicted of steroid use by either Major League Baseball or the United States judicial system, all three players have been unquestionably deemed guilty in the court of public opinion.

This season, Ryan Howard-the Philadelphia Phillies’ sophomore slugger and 2006 all-star home run derby champion-has bashed 56 home runs and has almost single-handedly dragged the Phils to the top of the National League wild card race. With 19 games remaining in the campaign, Howard will almost certainly break the Maris record of 61 home runs. But if he does pass Maris-and knowing that Bonds, McGwire and Sosa were likely using steroids when they smashed their way past 61-should Ryan Howard be considered the true single season home run champion?

As much as I would love to award that honour to the seemingly clean and drug-free Howard, it’s not possible to do so. None of Bonds, McGwire or Sosa have been convicted in any type of court except for that of public opinion; and at the same time, how does anyone know that Ryan Howard is not doping? It is quite conceivable that he has a new cutting edge, undetectable drug similar to the THG drug which the other three players allegedly used during their runs at the record. Howard only appears clean.

But, with Major League Baseball’s drug testing system in place, if Howard doesn’t test positive for steroids, I believe that he should be considered publicly the true home run champion, although he can never be the official record-book holder of the title. Without a conviction in a court of law, Bonds holds the official record. However, when my son asks me “who hit the most home runs in one season”, I’ll tell him “Barry Bonds has the record, but Ryan Howard-or Roger Maris-is the true home run king.”

When we students partake in our favourite pastime of heavy drinking, conversation often ends up drifting to the game of hypothetical “Would You Rather?”. And essentially, this situation in baseball is a “Would You Rather?” scenario. So, would you rather set the official home run record, yet be known as having done it artificially, assisted by a banned performance enhancer à la Bonds? Or would you rather not set the “official” record, but have the public consider you the clean, true champion like Ruth, Maris and possibly Howard? For me, there can only be one possible answer.

Student Life

THE HYDIAN PERSPECTIVE: How to be a hipster

Going to University is a chance to re-invent yourself; you can finally shake off the stigmas of adolescent awkwardness and become the beautiful swan you were always meant to be. While many students adopt a new identity because they have experienced a great maturation between graduation day and the beginning of frosh, this metamorphosis is more frequently facilitated by the fact that they are now miles away from the people who knew them during their brace-faced “my little ponies” phase.

The choosing of a new identity niche presents a dilemma that is less “to be or not to be” than it is “who to be.” Traditional choices have included sports star, cheerleader, genius or young entrepreneur. For many, however, these choices are boring, mainstream and conformist. The ME generation favours avant-garde and edgy: We want to be unique without having to suffer the stigma of solitude.

Thus, the hipster was born. In this identity, hyper-aware, meta-whatever, po-mo sensibilities are all wrapped up in a pretty, artfully distressed, hyper-vintage package.

Following are the simple criteria that will allow one to transform from conformist suburbanite to edgy hipster. After this easy-to-follow transformational process you will gain a form of respect based on notoriety leading to a flock of artsy friends following your every beck and call. You will finally be able to muse to yourself on long nights in dimly lit converted lofts that you are, in fact, so hip it hurts.

Junkie Chic

When picking a style icon ask yourself: are they or were they a junkie? Sources of inspiration should be Pat Benetar, Edie Segwick and Pete Doherty. Haven’t heard of them? Then aim for Hilary Duff, post-chunkster phase, or Panic at the Disco frontman Brendon Urie. As a rule of thumb, if they have never chased the dragon, they are not hipster. Remember: nothing is hotter than the pre-rehab look.

Girls? Boys?

Switch gender associations. If you are a boy, opt for eyeliner, lip gloss and hair long enough to flop in front of your brooding, smoldering eyes. Girls: go androgynous or go home. Flatten that chest and throw away your make-up (unless it is black eyeliner which is, of course, de-rigeur for both sexes) and aim for an unflattering haircut (think Karen O of the Yeah Yeah Yeahs).

The AHRTS

To be appreciated as a true hipster you must have a working knowledge of the Ahrts. No, not painting or music as you have previously heard of them, but anything obscure and, with a bit of luck, displeasing. Questions to ask yourself: does this bore / annoy me? As for music, aim for obscurity. Not only should the band be unsigned and have played only a handful of shows, but they should be singing in a foreign language. Extra points if the language is made up (see Sigur Ros).

Finally, a list of Hipster Dos and Dont’s

– DON’T shower. Clean is for capitalists (a.k.a. the enemy). Toss that bar of soap out and revel in the aroma of your pheromones au naturel.

– DON’T smile. How are you supposed to radiate angst, disillusionment and the “save-me” vibe that is key to your hipster identity with a giant grin on your face? Turn that smile upside down.

– DO shun brightness. Lights are for happy people (unless they are black lights). You hate happy people. Find a dark corner and don’t be afraid to kick out any emo kids you may find lurking there, because, let’s face it, hipster kicks emo’s ass any day. n

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