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Montreal Curling Club announces new sponsorship deal with Swiffer™

by Kaja Surborg on

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On March 25, Canada’s most decorated curling club, The Montreal Curling Club, announced their new sponsorship deal with the iconic household brand Swiffer™. Club President Joey Moore and Swiffer™ CFO Howard Tallman signed a five-year contract worth $1,000 at the club’s office in Côte-des-Neiges.

“We here at Swiffer™ are just so proud to support a long-standing tradition of excellence in Canadian curling at the Montreal Curling Club,” Swiffer™ marketing representative Cindy Schmidt said at a press conference that only reporters from CBC Radio 4 attended. “We hope we can provide the tools necessary for the athletes here at the Montreal Curling Club to reach their highest potential.”

Moore echoed Schmidt’s enthusiasm.

“This is huge for us here at Montreal Curling Club,” Moore said. “We’ve never had a sponsor who has been so dedicated to providing us with quality equipment so that we can be the best athletes possible. ”

The Canadian National Curling Championships are scheduled for Feb. 23 and 24, 2020 in Flin Flon, Manitoba. The Montreal Curling Club will be looking for a podium sweep in all events.

Several veterans will return to the sheet this year for the Montreal Curling Club at the national championships. Most notably, Michael Spiel, who looks like he definitely spends his summers fishing in Muskoka, is slated to compete. Spiel is a celebrated skip for Team Canada at the past three Winter Olympic Games in Vancouver, Sochi, and Pyeongchang.

“I’ve been in the game a long time, you know,” Spiel said in an interview with the Waterloo Reporter. “This will probably be my last national championships, so I just really want to go out with a bang. I just want to make my wife, Karen, and my kids, Davey and Georgie, proud.”

According to a report released by Swiffer™ corporate headquarters this week, the brand estimates no boost in sales from this partnership. Tallman is simply a huge curling fan, and it has been a lifelong dream of his to meet an Olympic curling champion like Spiel.

“I’m honestly freaking out a little right now,” Tallman said afterwards at  press conference.“This was major, I’m not gonna lie to you. I’m just worried that I was so starstruck when I met him that I looked kind of dumb.”

With the partnership, the Montreal Curling Club hopes to reignite a culture for curling in Canada. The esteemed Canadian curling program has yet to recover from international humiliation at the 2018 Pyeongchang Winter Olympics: A loss at the hands of the American team in the men’s curling event.

“We have an opportunity here to keep getting better so that, with the help of Swiffer™, we can become the best athletes in North America and crush the souls of the Americans at the next world championships,” Spiel said. “I just can’t wait to be really gracious in victory.”

Joke, Laughing Matters

Student eats magical samosa of truth, devastates journalistic career

by Simon Kidd on

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Mark Corey, U1 Political Science, claims to have ingested a magical samosa, rendering him incapable of telling and writing anything but the truth. According to Corey, the otherworldly nature of this samosa revealed itself in the form of severe stomach pains and acute gastrointestinal distress.

“It was as if my body wanted to reject the divinity of the samosa,” Corey said.

The student hobbled to the McGill Student Health Service Clinic in a futile attempt to obtain treatment, foolishly disregarding its 1.4 star rating on Google Maps. In an unsurprising  twist, no nurses were available to treat his ailment.

“I vomited into a wastebasket in the Brown building, not just due to my strict diet of cheap Lebanese food and canned chili, but because my body wanted to reject The Truth,”

After his harrowing experience, Corey said that his understanding of the complete objective truth crystalized.

“Suddenly a lot of the journalistic pieces I had been writing made zero sense whatsoever,” he said, still shivering from the aftershocks of his life-altering experience. “It was liberating…, but debilitating.”

As an editor for the McGill Weekly-Almost-Monthly (MWAM for short), Corey found that he could no longer write without getting his articles rejected by the paper.

“My problems began when I wrote an article on American politics’. It was rejected. Perhaps my prose had not met the stringent standards of MWAM?”

Disheartened, Corey attempted to write another article, entitled “Israel-Palestine: It’s Complicated.” MWAM promptly rejected the piece for not meeting their standards of objectivity and for promoting division.

Since then, Corey has been unable to fulfill his duties as editor at the paper. He was let go last week, effectively ending his short-lived journalistic career. Corey’s magic samosa snack had stolen his knack.

“My journalistic career was ruined because of one lousy, good for nothing magical samosa…. Now I can only write for the Tribune!”

Laughing Matters, Off the Board, Opinion

QUIZ: Do you have imposter syndrome or are you an imposter?

by Ariella Garmaise on

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In recent months, “imposter syndrome” has made headlines as the newest millennial affliction: The term has been featured in Time, Forbes, an Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez interview, and even The McGill Tribune. Despite extensive news coverage, it can be difficult to decipher whether a lack of self-confidence is part of a wider psychological pandemic, or simply well-deserved doubt. To help those struggling, The McGill Tribune presents the definitive guide for distinguishing between having imposter syndrome and being an imposter.

  1. You’re preparing your resume for an interview. As you review your credentials, you are struck with panic because:

a.). There’s no way you have enough extra-curricular experience to work as an unpaid intern at a digital media agency.

b.) The company hires a lot of recent graduates, and someone might be able to verify that you were not, in fact, a McGill student between 2014 and 2018.  

 

  1. Congratulations! You got your dream job as a “Social Media and Content Vision Intern.” You pick up the phone and:

a.) Call your mom! She still wishes you had picked a different major and also applied to law school, but is proud nonetheless.

b.) Speak to a Bell customer service representative because you need to change your number. You previously used 514-938-9999 to answer as “Professor Anita Roth,” your “advisor” last summer, so you need a new line.

 

  1. It was a long week at work. While cleaning up your apartment, you notice the trash is overflowing with:

a.) Empty coffee cups, tissues, 5-hour Energy® Shots, and KD instant cups.

b.) Hair: Medium ash blonde, rich mahogany, jet black, even a Dollar Store neon wig.

 

  1. You’re out on a boat on the coast of San Remo with your similarly hot, blonde, and blue-blooded friend. When he rejects your advances, you:

a.) Are disappointed, but never thought that you had a chance with Jude Law anyway. This only confirms your deepest insecurities.

b.) Notice an oar sitting on the side of the boat, and, overcome with rage, beat Jude Law to death. A talented impressionist with a gift for forgery, you proceed to steal his identity and live lavishly travelling across Europe, no matter how hard Gwyneth Paltrow and Philip Seymour Hoffman try to stop you. You are Matt Damon, after all.

 

Mostly A’s: Congrats! You have imposter syndrome, and while this might be psychologically and interpersonally inhibiting, all of your behaviour is legal in the Province of Quebec. Cheer up, any Digital Media Company / Start-up / Content Creation Platform would be lucky to have you.

Mostly B’s: Forget imposter “syndrome,” you are the real deal. Perhaps if you adopt a baritone and stop conditioning your hair, HBO will one day make a documentary about you, too.

Joke, Laughing Matters

SSMU World Order

by Laura Oprescu on

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Just two months after McGill unveiled plans for the new Rossy Student Wellness Hub, advertising it as a one-stop shop for all McGill healthcare services, SSMU announced plans for a competing wellness hub. McGill will now have two one-stop shops for all students’ physical and mental health needs.

“The administration aren’t students, they don’t know what we need,” an embarrassed SSMU representative, who requested anonymity in case a future employer Googled them, said. “So instead of working with them and their $14 million budget, we decided to take matters into our own hands and put students first.”

The SSMU representative was ‘really excited’ for plans to expand student drinking options.

“Initially we were planning to renovate Gerts into a sort of SuWu-style café/bar. A SSMUWu, if you will,” the SSMU representative said, chuckling at their own joke. “But then we decided it would be easier if we just bought SuWu instead. Our budget is overseen by a U2 Economics student [….] He really believes that this is the best use of student money.”

SSMU plans to continue investing the gargantuan amount of money in other real estate projects.

“We’re thinking about buying up Café Campus next,” the SSMU representative said. “We know how integral Tuesday night drinking is to the McGill experience.”

The Master Plan also acknowledges SSMU’s concern for public relations. The SSMU representative said that they were one erroneous transcription of minutes away from students burning flags and breaking down their office doors. No student could be found to comment who knew where the new SSMU office was.

“Initially, we just wanted to use student money to hire a PR rep,” the SSMU representative said. “You know, a person that we could pay to make our failures look less awful to our constituents. But then we thought, ‘why not take this further?’ We could train an army of people to cover up our mistakes. This is a democracy, after all.”

When asked why SSMU had decided to open their own School of Public Relations with students’ money, the SSMU representative mumbled something about transparency. Or accountability.

SSMU’s School of Public Relations will be located in the SSMU building and is slated to open when the building is asbestos-free. Current estimates put this date at Apr. 1, 2080.

Joke, Laughing Matters

Friend’s boyfriend’s Mile End band actually sort of good

by Matthew Hawkins on

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Despite all evidence pointing to the contrary, friend from residence, Sarah Jensen’s boyfriend’s Mile End band played a gig on March 28 that didn’t totally suck. While they seemed like any other tiny-hat toting group of boys, Plunger actually played a pretty solid set; several audience members described it as “a little long winded, but honestly, alright.” The audience itself was mostly a crowd of turtlenecked twentysomethings with a diverse range of Anglo-Saxon roots. One song in particular, “Hal(lelujah)ucinations” a nine-minute ballad about a mystery girl the lead singer had met at TRH-Bar was a crowd favourite, although the lyrics were sometimes inaudible over the sound of shuffling Blundstones.

Plunger’s  three person lineup consists of Nick Hewlett, the loud dude with bad takes from POLI 325, on bass; Josh Byman, who you met in the distant past of Sangria Wednesday at Gerts when you both tried to put ‘Drift Away’ into the jukebox, on drums; and Jensen’s boyfriend, Xander Dave, singing and playing his uncle’s electric guitar.

In an interview with The McGill Tribune Xander explained the origin of “Hal(lelujah)ucinations” and described his artistic process.

“Well I don’t know, it was just sort of an uphill battle, you know?” Xander said.  “Like, even if I hadn’t wanted to end up there I just kinda had to [….] I don’t know, it was just something I’d never experienced before and like, those things just leave an imprint on you.”

Another crowd-pleasing hit was “Puddle-Jump,” a track which Nick described as “like a Peach Pit–Steely Dan fusion with some Tank and the Bangas.” The duration of the five minute song saw Xander and Josh shouting “Hop” repeatedly over Nick’s bassline.

Plunger is not on any music streaming services, but they are playing a gig at Sala Rosa on June 3— so, in Xander’s own words: “Come through. It’ll be chill, or whatever.”

Joke, Laughing Matters

McGill divests from fossil fuels, funds new Amazon rainforest campus

by Ezra-Jean Taylor on

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Since 2012, Divest McGill has protested McGill’s investment in companies that profit from fossil fuels. The student group has led the charge for climate activism on campus, organizing protests, raising awareness, and gaining the support of the Student’s Society of McGill University (SSMU). Their calls for action largely fell on deaf ears, even after countless vocal protests and sit-ins.. Finally, their voices have been heard.

Over the weekend, Principal and Vice-Chancellor Suzanne Fortier announced that McGill would pull investments from all companies profiting from fossil fuels. According to Divest McGill activists, this comes as some surprise, as the administration is not known to listen to students.

“It’s nice knowing I don’t have to stand outside in the cold anymore to protest,” Muña Zaldrizoti, U6 Arts, said. “But I’m not sure why the administration chose to listen now. I guess anytime is better than no time.”

Fortier held a press conference in her office after announcing the divestment plan. However, the building security did not allow members of the press to enter the James Administration Building.

“I don’t understand why students are confused,” Fortier wrote in an email to the student body. “Of course I couldn’t hear Divest McGill’s message, I had my AirPods in.”

According to Fortier, student groups had no influence on the decision to divest. The primary goal is to re-allocate the funding to more socially responsible investments, which the administration takes to mean  “most profitable for McGill.” While the McGill administration would not disclose how the money would be invested, an anonymous source leaked their plans. She desired to be referred to only as “The Lunch Lady.”

“McGill recently purchased a chunk of land in the Amazon rainforest,” The Lunch Lady said. “I saw some blueprints for a huge new McGill campus there.”

The campus would require that 200 hectares of rainforest  be clear-cut to install academic and sports facilities, as well as the “McDonald Farm” sponsored by the Golden Arches. According to local members of the community, building the new McGill campus will force an entire residing indigenous community to leave.

The administration sees the campus as an enticing opportunity that will hopefully bring in more applicants to McGill.

“Here at McGill, we strive to expand our students’ horizons and help them experience the world,” Fortier said. “That’s why, with a small extra tuition fee of $30,000, students will be able to enjoy the beauty that is deforestation and displacement of local communities.”

Features

Alone in a crowd

by Erica Stefano on

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When I was 17, my therapist told me how excited she was for me to go to college. It would be a clean slate—a new opportunity to make friends with similar interests and to get out of my comfort zone. Throughout my teenage years, the therapist’s office had become an all-too familiar environment to me: Sun-lit, with a view of the public library,  quiet classical music, children’s toys, and gaudy, celebrity-clad magazines arranged in the waiting area. I was hesitantly optimistic—my high school years had been defined by my virtual invisibility in classes and seemingly perpetual identity as an outcast.

For me, like for many others, college was promised to be an opportunity. I soon realized my naivety during my first months at McGill. I told myself that I would become what I had perceived as ‘normal,’ make friends, join clubs, and go to events. What became of my determination was one-time attendance at clubs, excessive amounts of time spent in corners kept company by only a plateful of free food, and fleeting relationships that would soon disappear once the semester ended. The feeling of living with some 744 people in New Residence Hall did nothing to curb the void of loneliness I felt.

brain drain
Commentary, Opinion

Montreal’s anglophone brain drain

by Johanna Cline on

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With only a limited knowledge of French needed to thrive as a student in Montreal, it’s unsurprising that most anglophone university graduates enter the labourforce without a working knowledge of Quebec’s official language. For anglophone students looking to start a career in Montreal, Quebec’s bilingualism laws restrict employment options, and recent graduates often end up leaving the city to seek other opportunities. Researchers have dubbed this phenomenon the  ‘brain drain,’ and have studied how the exodus of post-graduate degree holders has caused the city to miss out on the valuable skills of English-speaking students. The disconnect between English universities and the French workforce not only hinders the city’s prosperity, but also disadvantages anglophone graduates who want to continue calling Montreal home.

In 2018, Montreal experienced a net population decrease of over 20,000—the city’s largest in a decade. Despite having over 170,000 students at 11 universities, only 32 per cent of Montrealers aged 25 to 64 hold a bachelor’s degree or higher qualification, one of the lowest ratios of all major North American cities. Last May, McGill partnered with the Quebec government to study the anglophone exodus with the aim of finding a sustainable solution. This partnership is a step in the right direction, and it is vital that the city continue to commit itself to a thorough strategy for rectifying the brain drain epidemic.

The linguistic divide between the city’s English universities and its predominantly French labour market can be partly blamed for Montreal’s lack of degree-holding residents. Every year, English universities like McGill and Concordia recruit nationwide and worldwide. Once in Montreal, these students quickly learn that thriving in and around the downtown bubble requires little more than a four-word French vocabulary—je ne comprend pas. This realization, paired with their busy university schedules, means that many students do not have to invest in learning French. Even with an awareness of the French-speaking requirements in Montreal’s job market, students may still rationalize that it makes less sense to learn French when they could work in their mother tongue and save the money and time investments it takes to pick up a new language.

In Quebec, companies seek French-speaking employees to meet the government’s legally-enforced bilingualism standards. Civil service work and jobs at federal institutions both require employees to have French communication skills. Moreover, professionals who speak English and French enjoy significantly larger incomes earn up to 60 per cent more than their unilingual counterparts. No matter how much students may love Montreal, sticking around may not be worth limiting oneself to mostly entry-level jobs.  Most graduates crave the fulfilment of excelling in their field of work, and if Montreal does not offer anglophones occupations in their field they will go elsewhere.

Preserving the primacy of the French language underlies Quebec’s dedication to maintaining its heritage; reflexively suggesting the end of Bill 101 is not a workable solution to the brain drain issue. At the same time, the Quebec government is setting the province up for a massive disadvantage by not prioritizing the retention of anglophone students.

One solution to brain drain could be investing in strategies to make French more accessible for busy English-speaking students. Currently, the Quebec government offers a variety of subsidized French courses for recent immigrants. Promoting this kind of opportunity more heavily in the university setting and offering more part-time courses would send the message that the government wants to welcome and assist English-speakers in becoming bilingual. McGill could also incorporate French into freshman requirements or offer more seats in French courses. Investing in free French courses for all students and more French scholarships for anglophones are also valuable ways that the Quebec government could retain degree-holders. In partnership with the Quebec government, employers could contribute to improving this issue by welcoming anglophone staff and offering avenues and incentives for improving French skills over time.

Hockey, Martlets, Sports

Martlet hockey 2018-19 recap

by Miya Keilin on

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On March 17, the McGill Martlets (14-6) fell short in the U Sports National Championship game, losing 1-0 to the Guelph Gryphons (19-3-3) to place second in the nation. With a successful, silver-medal season now in the books, The McGill Tribune provides a season in review, looking back at the Martlets’ successful year.

The U Sports championship tournament began for the Martlets on March 15, when they defeated the St. Thomas Tommies (22-5-1) in a 10-2 quarterfinal rout. On the following day, a late goal from second-year forward Stephanie Desjardins sent McGill to the championship game with a win over the number-one ranked Alberta Pandas (23-5). Unfortunately, the Martlets’ efforts came up just short in the final game of the season, and an early second period goal carried the Gryphons to a 1-0 victory and the national title.

In addition to a silver medal, the Martlets received a number of other awards at the national championship tournament; with five points and four assists, third-year centre Jade Downie-Landry was named the tournament MVP and earned a spot on the championship all-tournament team along with first-year centre Valerie Audet. Additionally, four of the tournament’s top five scorers were Martlets, and third-year goaltender Tricia Deguire posted the second best save percentage of all goalies.  

En route to the championship tournament, McGill put together a 14-6 regular season campaign to finish third in the RSEQ standings behind the Université de Montréal (UdeM) Carabins (15-4-1) and Concordia Stingers (13-4-2). In the first round of the RSEQ playoffs, McGill faced Concordia in a best-of-three series. The Martlets took a 6-2 road win in the first game and completed an incredible comeback on home ice to secure the series victory. The opening match of the championship series against UdeM went to double overtime, but, unfortunately, the Carabins came out victorious by a score of 3-2. UdeM won by the same score the next day to complete the sweep and claim the conference title. However, because the Martlets were fifth in the U Sports rankings, they still advanced to the championship tournament in Charlottetown, PEI for the chance to compete against the best hockey teams in Canada.

Martlet Head Coach Peter Smith praised the team’s dedication and passion throughout the season.

“Honestly, I couldn’t be prouder of our group,” Smith said after the championship match. “Over the years, I’ve been privileged to have so many good teams with great character, and this team ranks right up there with the best of them. [It is] a special group that worked hard all season. Not many people outside of our dressing room would have thought that we were going to get this far. We battled from start to finish. There was no quit on this team.”

Beyond their postseason performances, four Martlet players were recognized for their standout play throughout the regular season, with both conference and national awards. Downie-Landry, who had 45 points and a team-high 32 assists, and Deguire made the RSEQ first team all-league and second team all-Canadian. Second-year forward Kellyane Lecours and fourth-year defenceman Emilia Cotter were named to the second team all-league. Additionally, Cotter won the RSEQ Leadership Award for her community engagement with organizations such as the Shoebox Project and The McGill Students for Best Buddies as well as for her coordination of McGill Athletics initiatives like the Bell Let’s Talk Game.

In addition to the award winners, several other Martlets had strong campaigns: Third-year forward Lea Dumais led McGill in goals with 21 in 37 games; second-year centre Marika Labrecque finished with eight goals and 17 assists; and fourth-year defenceman Kate Devries, who had 12 assists, was a crucial defensive presence all season long.

Captain and fifth-year defenceman Alison Mackenzie is the only Martlet player graduating this year. The team will miss her defensive talent and leadership, but, if this season’s results are any indication of what is to come, the Martlets should have another successful year ahead of them.

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