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Constellations of responsibility

by Shani Laskin on

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Among lush Amazonian flora in Oriente, the eastern region of Ecuador, pits of viscous, black oil dot the landscape. Iridescent streams infiltrate the rainforest. Aerial shots of unobstructed canopy cover are starkly contrasted with footage of large oil rigs set up in the forest. A few frames follow before the video shows a baby writhing from a skin rash. Minutes later, a woman cries as she describes the struggles she faces trying to pay for her 18-year-old daughter’s cancer treatment. 

Sitting over 5,000 kilometers away in a lecture hall at McGill, I watched these scenes unfold before me in the documentary, Crude: The Real Price of Oil. My class was discussing Aguinda v. Texaco, Inc., a court case filed in 1993 in which the plaintiffs—over 30,000 Ecuadorians from the Oriente region—argued that they had been adversely affected by oil extraction in the region at the hands of Texaco, an American oil company and a subsidiary of Chevron Corporation. The Oriente region is home to less than five per cent of Ecuador’s population, and a large portion is a part of the region’s five Indigenous groups, including the Cofán, Secoya, Siona, Huaorani, and Quichua. 

The plaintiffs alleged that Texaco used sub-standard technology and, in the process, spilled over 18 billion gallons of toxic waste in the Ecuadorian Amazon. They claimed that oil entered water sources that locals used for drinking and bathing. Following the pollution, the plaintiffs said their communities saw increases in sickness, cancer, and death, which they believed were due to the contamination from Texaco’s operations in the region.

Before digging into the details of this case, I only had a notion of the impact that extractive corporations can have on the communities they operate in. I had read about similar cases, but as I dove into this lawsuit, my sense of the barriers to convicting corporations was heightened. I went down a seemingly endless rabbit hole of legal documents, corporate strategies, and horror stories of what happens to those who try to oppose them.

Montreal, News

Paper straw–infused beverages might become norm amid single-use plastics ban

by Ghazal Azizi on

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At Bar des Arts (BdA), students are encouraged to bring their own reusable cups or buy old Frosh ones to avoid single-use plastic. But BdA manager Sam Baron estimates that the student bar goes through approximately 50 plastic cups every Thursday.

As of March 28, however, a Montreal municipal by-law has banned the distribution of all single-use plastic items across the food industry. With only one more day of operation left in the school year, BdA is still working out the details of its transition away from plastic, a struggle shared by many campus businesses. 

The City of Montreal passed the by-law in August 2021 as part of the city’s efforts to make Montreal a zero-waste city by 2030. Since December 2022, manufacturing and importing “harmful single-use plastics” has been banned by federal legislation, and the sale of these items will be prohibited as of December 2023. While Montreal’s ban was announced 18 months ago, many campus businesses have yet to part ways with their plastic consumption.

“It’s all up in the air right now,” Baron told The McGill Tribune. “As great as it sounds, in theory, there’s not been much guidance from the province on how to actually implement it on the ground.”

Baron says the bar intends to clear out its supply of plastic cups before locking up shop on April 6, after which the upcoming management team will spend the summer sketching an alternative plan.  

To ease the transition for businesses, the City of Montreal has developed a webpage to list restrictions and guide food vendors towards alternative suppliers. Rabih Rouhana, manager of Café Castel, located steps away from Desautels Faculty of Management, believes the guidelines are not clear enough and says the café did not have enough time to adapt. 

“The customers don’t like the new recycling things, they like the plastic more,” Rouhana said in an interview with the Tribune. “Now we’re in the process of changing, [but] we didn’t get [much time]. We have found several suppliers but we’re discussing the prices and everything.”

Kyun Ko manages the Korean eatery Opiano, located inside Le Cartier building on Peel Street. He is also dissatisfied with the lack of notice and guidance from the city. 

“Honestly, it would have been much better if we had received [a notice] through mail or something like that so we would have been able to prepare,” Ko told the Tribune. “Mostly we had to […] hear through other people that plastic will be banned.”

While BdA does not foresee any price hikes caused by the plastic ban, both Opiano and Café Castel will likely increase their prices in the near future. Rouhana says the markups might be around two to three per cent, increasing Café Castel’s current $5.07 latte to $5.22 before taxes. 

“[No price changes] for now just to make the clients get used to everything, but in the future? Of course, it’s going to affect our prices,” Rouhana said.

The city has promised to be lenient as merchants exhaust their old stock of plastic items. Though a first visit for violating the by-law will result in only a warning, borough inspectors—who have been tasked with enforcing the ban—can penalize both businesses and individuals alike for failing to adhere to the ban, with fines ranging from $300 to $4,000, depending on one’s record of offences. 

While client cooperation has been fairly high, with the majority bringing their own cups to BdA, Baron is frustrated with those who still resist or fail to partake in eco-friendly practices. 

“Every single time this happens, I’m really at a loss. I just don’t know why people can’t bring their own mugs,” Baron said. “I think that our best move personally is you either come with a cup, or you don’t get a cup. Or you buy one of the reusable ones, which is more expensive [….] Even if it is paternalistic and it forces people [into] sustainability, I kind of don’t mind.”

Image source: https://www.ecolife.zone/reducing-single-use-plastics/

Campus Spotlight, Student Life

McGill’s hidden campus

by Margo Berthier on

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You walk out of class, belaboured and exhausted, and attempt to find someplace to study or hang out. You jump from Redpath to McLennan, soon to realize that all of your options are either overcrowded, noisy, or not to your liking. Are you in desperate need of a calm, isolated place, or just something different, but don’t know where to look? Say no more; here is a list of some of McGill students’ favourite underrated spots on campus that everyone should enjoy. 

Marvin Duchow Music Library

Located on the third floor of the Elizabeth Wirth Music Building, the Music Library offers students a variety of different spaces, from silent study zones to collaborative work areas. As you enter the space, you are greeted with warm natural sunlight stemming from large windows, as well as comfortable couches and large tables to spread out your work. 

Max Finn, U3 Arts, is a big proponent of studying at the Music Library. 

“I love coming here. There are big windows, it is very spacious and calm, and it is never crowded,” Finn said. “I love the large desks, and there is even a floor where you can sit and observe vinyls.”

When in dire need of a break from school work, take a stroll and discover the material of the Rare Books and Special Collections Room. You will find one of the most important academic music collections in Canada, with more than 200,000 scores, recordings, books, journals, and online resources. The library’s knowledgeable staff can also help you locate any material you are interested in. 

680 Sherbrooke

After indulging in Montreal’s rich musical scene, take a short trip to 680 Sherbrooke and make your way to the ninth or 12th floor. Tucked away in this hidden gem of downtown campus are breathtaking views of McGill that often grace Instagram stories. Surprisingly, only a handful of McGill students are aware of what this building holds beyond language classes, so don’t miss out on the chance to discover this secret oasis for yourself!

Charlotte Mineret, U2 Arts, told The McGill Tribune more about what students might not know about this spot.

“I really enjoy going to 680 Sherbrooke on the ninth floor,” Mineret said. “The view and open space are fantastic, and since not many students know about it, it is generally empty.” 

Islamic Studies Library

Nestled in the heart of the downtown campus on McTavish Street, facing the Students’ Society of McGill University (SSMU) University Centre, lies the perfect building for students seeking a peaceful study spot: The Islamic Studies Library. As you step inside, take a moment to appreciate the stunning Gothic architecture, with almost all furnishings crafted from wood. You’ll feel as if you’ve stepped into a fairytale. For the ultimate calm study environment, head to the Octagon Room. With its stainless steel windows casting a warm light, it’s the quietest spot on campus. 

Gery Delepiere, U3 Arts, discovered this library in his first year and has gravitated toward it ever since.

“The Islamic Studies Library is very calm and small enough to be cozy,” Delepiere told the Tribune. “The Octagon Room is just beautiful, and the books surrounding you give off a nice work vibe.”

However, the Islamic Studies Library offers more than just a tranquil place to hit the books. With over 100,000 volumes of monographs and almost 1,000 serial titles, it boasts a rich collection covering the entire span of Islamic civilization. From early Turkish and Egyptian printed books to Arabic, Ottoman Turkish, and Persian manuscripts from the 12th century, this library is a treasure trove for anyone wanting to learn more about the world of Islamic culture and history.

McGill’s campus has so much more to offer than the overcrowded, loud libraries of the McLennan-Redpath complex. Try immersing yourself into the warm musical atmosphere of the Music Library, snapping a picture of campus from the ninth floor of Building 680, or losing yourself in the fairytale of the Islamic Studies Library to find your ideal study spot on the downtown campus. 

Commentary, Opinion

Why Montreal stands out above the rest

by Monique Kasonga on

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As a Torontonian, I, like many, have always recognized Montreal as better than our own city. The ability to legally drink fresh out of high school in such an artsy city was just one of the many reasons McGill was number one on my list. While oftentimes I do yearn for the familiarity of the streets of Toronto, Montreal has been an incredible new adventure in itself. With so much to offer, I can confidently say that it is the best place to be as a student, and a recent report by The Honest Professor agrees with me. Montreal ranks as the number one student city in the world, and special mention is given to McGill as the best institution to study at in the city.

One thing that most young people, particularly students, are looking for is aesthetics––and to enhance their social media feeds. What else would we use as the cover of our Instagram photo dumps if not some random person’s house that happens to have a beautiful spiral staircase, colourful door and big bay window? Montreal is one of the rare places where ill-favoured modern North American architecture doesn’t line the streets, and the charm of historic buildings with old-style masonry still stands. This sets Montreal apart from other cities, particularly Toronto, where historically-infused urban configurations are confined to only a few neighbourhoods. Instead of seeing the same grey condos at every corner, you get to see the charming Victorian-style Plateau houses—and maybe even live in one, too. 

Pair that architectural beauty with walkability, and the streetscapes can resemble a gallery. Very few university students living downtown have cars, and paying for a monthly metro pass is not necessary or feasible for all students. So, when you can walk with ease to various destinations without worrying immediately about contributing to vehicle pollutants, you find yourself in a greener, and more pleasant, home. 

The blend of French and British colonial influences that can be seen in Montreal’s architecture, language, and cuisine define the city’s unique history. But this city is also where immigrants, their descendants, and Indigenous peoples have resisted the imposition of a unilingual and monocultural identity, contending that what we now call Montreal has a more dynamic character.

On top of the unbeatable nightlife that makes it the Sin City of the North, Montreal serves as a vibrant cultural hub, putting the Canadian mosaic into practice. Numerous establishments boast an interior design and ambiance that represents the city’s reputation for art, music, and fashion. Want Afrobeats or Latin fusion or Caribbean jazz? Do you need to stock up on Australian or Russian-Jewish goodies? Montreal’s got you set. The city also has several excellent universities, places where people of different cultures and nationalities meet and come together. When the institution supports individuals and embraces their history and diversity, it marks a site of possibility. And known for having flourishing music and art scenes, Montreal features a large number of theatres, museums, and art galleries presenting both domestic and foreign talent. The Montreal Jazz Festival, Osheaga, and Igloofest make up just a few of the music festivals held at various times of the year in the city. Having festivities and activities to look forward to year-round, indoors and outdoors, is one of the great, unique aspects of Montreal. 

While this all may seem like an ad to convince students to choose Montreal as their four-year home, it isn’t. The truth is, Montreal, like any city, has its flaws. In a perfect world, the city would not be getting less and less affordable for students, inflation would not have us pinching pennies, and housing prices would not be going up. However, compared to other cities like Toronto or Vancouver, Montreal has a more affordable cost of living, and a lot of history and culture to offer in turn. The learning doesn’t start or stop in the classroom—our city brims with lessons. With a never-ending Montreal to-do list, I feel grateful to be in such a great student city, the best one in the world. 

Along Party Lines, News

Along Party Lines: Communist Party of Canada launches new campaign to slash living costs, raise wages in Quebec

by Adeline Fisher on

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On the night of April 1, the Communist Party of Canada (CPC) held a meeting in Montreal to kickstart a campaign against unaffordable living costs at the Greek Workers’ Association of Quebec. Before the meeting, The McGill Tribune sat down with Liz Rowley, leader of the CPC, to learn more about the campaign and its implications for students.

The CPC’s campaign to roll back prices depends on the formation of a coalition between students, trade unions, farmers, and other financially vulnerable groups. Rowley hopes this strategy of mass mobilization will take the form of students and workers joining together to protest, sign petitions, organize public meetings, and pressure their Member of Parliament. 

According to Rowley, most of the Communist Party’s newest recruits are under the age of 40. In her opinion, the participation of students in the CPC, and the political engagement of non-voting Canadian youths, shows promise for change. 

“I have great hopes that young people today are just as gripped with the notion of the importance of peace, of social justice, of equality, and of socialism, as they were when I was young,” Rowley said. “And that being the case, I have great hopes for […] and confidence in the future [….] Young people and people of conscience can change this picture. I am sure they will.”

Since the age of 17, Rowley has been interested in political activism, social equality, and workers’ rights. Stirred to action by her strong views on the Vietnam War, Rowley joined the CPC in 1967. Today, she is mounting a campaign in pursuit of those goals—more specifically, to lower the cost of food, fuel, and housing, and to raise wages.

In 2022, the cost of food rose by 10.3 per cent, the cost of rent by 12.4 per cent, and the price of gas temporarily reached 207.2 cents per litre in June of that year. Meanwhile, wages relative to labour productivity in the business sector have fallen by an average of three per cent. Rowley blames big corporations for the hikes and believes that only the federal government has the power to curb these trends.

“The government should be raising corporate taxes, which are very low. They should be introducing a windfall profits tax, which the NDP [New Democratic Party] is also calling for,” Rowley explained. “They should be providing tax reductions for working people, [and] we would like to see a progressive tax system where the load is on those most able to pay, which means corporations.”

Unless the government adopts policies to roll back prices and lower taxes—the Goods and Services Tax in particular—Rowley warns that students will see the consequences of government inaction in the form of higher tuition fees, more expensive groceries, and rising costs of off-campus housing.

“I think [McGill students] need to be concerned about student debt,” Rowley said. “And also tuition fees, which are very high, and are going to exclude people who might want to go to university. A lot of students are eating out of food banks.”

Earlier this year, the Tribune reported on the increasing number of McGill students experiencing food insecurity due to the soaring cost of meal plans and on-campus food prices. In some cases, this has led to disordered eating and malnutrition among students.

About 39 per cent of post-secondary students in Canada suffer from food insecurity, often sacrificing meals to pay for tuition, rent, and textbooks. At the same time, the average cost of rent nationwide also surpassed a record-breaking average of $2,000 in 2022.  

“Students are worried about […] the question of what [to] do if you have a huge debt when you graduate,” Rowley said. “Can you afford to buy a house, can you decide that you want to marry, can you decide that you want to start a family?”

Arts & Entertainment, Joke

TikTok is an institution, and we are its humble students

by AnnaClare Sung on

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It’s 1:00 p.m., and I’ve settled comfortably on my couch after a harrowing day of class. With last night’s leftovers in hand, I pull out my favourite entertainment receptacle––the iPhone––and begin a tricky balancing act, placing the bowl between my legs, a fork in one hand and my phone in the other. I unlock my phone and go immediately to the one app that will satisfy my ache for productivity: TikTok. The app acts as a fresh-pressed juice of self-indulgence, escapism, and education—the only means to easily absorb the internet’s vitamins and minerals. 

The week of March 5, the United States Senate backed a bill that would support a ban on TikTok. Though Canada has yet to pass any similar legislation (beyond preventing anyone with a government-issued phone from using the app), I take personal preventative measures each day. Even if a ban goes into effect, a daily dosage of scrolling for an hour minimum will hopefully inscribe my mind with TikTok users’ numerous precepts. The algorithm assists in my success, presenting content just for me with a white satin glove. Amongst the odd celebrity drama or elaborate soap-making video, there are two types of TikToks that dominate my feed—lifestyle and news—each serving an essential purpose. 

A pseudonym for individuals displaying their excess wealth, beauty, and other unobtainables, lifestyle TikToks, in their most primitive form, keep me fiercely humble while giving me something to work towards. “Outfit of the Day” videos (or more colloquially known as “OOTDs”) inspire my style, yet politely suggest that it’s unlikely I’d be able to pull off the pictured look. 

TikTok news shapes my critical thinking, feeding me information that tests my scepticism with a fun game of “Real or Fake?” And I know that if I study enough Tucker Carlson clips, I can learn how to effectively and carelessly get enough people to believe my lies––an attribute that will certainly be useful when I enter the corporate workplace, with companies like Enron and Raytheon as my ideal employers, of course. Without these strangers’ OOTDs or fake (and actual) newscasters’ intelligible opinions, I’d be arrogant, lazy, poorly dressed, ignorant, unintelligent, and certainly not as humble. For my most redeeming attributes and presumably yours as well, we have the algorithm to thank. 

If ever I’m upset by the reality that my family and friends cannot, unfortunately, read my thoughts, I receive the most wonderful consolation from the algorithm: A psychic mind that, somehow, just knows me. I feel a kinship with this inanimate system like it’s a childhood companion I grew up with, someone who can sense my likes and dislikes without asking or invading my psyche, but who knows when I need some tough love and even harsh criticism. 

Excellent character and appearance are not the algorithm’s only irreplaceable contributions to the hordes of young people using TikTok daily. For academics like you and me, TikTok is the ideal mode of cultural production. The app is a place where artists create for other artists to consume at no economic cost. The algorithm ensures that the content gracing our screens matches our penchant for the highbrow. Evidently, people don’t use the platform to gain capital; each creator creates genuine art. What is a sponsored make-up routine if not a visceral reaction to, and expression of, beauty standards and gender roles or individuals reclaiming finances lost to the wage gap or opposing rampant stereotypes? Intellectual value saturates even a simple video of a gorilla eating a pineapple—providing an apt commentary on wild animals’ captivity and exploitation.

From CNN to Fox News, the usual rhetoric surrounding TikTok is all too negative (yet curiously, one of few things with bipartisan support in the United States). Without stealing and farming our data, the algorithm couldn’t feed us such personalized videos. How can something be so positively impactful on one’s appearance and attitude yet debilitating to their mental health? 

We must end these harmful, propaganda-ridden ideas that further infect the media and general population with each new emerging “danger.” We must heed the truth: TikTok holds tremendous potential through which we can all learn and grow. If this absurd fear-mongering continues, Canada will be next in tow, falling down the same slippery TikTok-ban slope that the United States is currently falling into. 

Arts & Entertainment, Joke

QUIZ: Guess these eight  movie and TV characters, out of context

by Suzanna Graham, Simi Ogunsola on

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Here’s a hint: Each character is a university student—just like us!

  1. The next time you and your new friends chill out by the Roddick Gates, make sure to act like this character and start accusing them of trying to murder you. It’s not her fault—she’s just trying to look out for her loved ones after eight murders in their hometown. Her favourite subway station is the Burnside tunnel, but she’s worried a copycat killer is just around the corner—and there could be more than one. But don’t worry, McGill students! Her college campus looks exactly like yours, but this is Montréal, not New York. 
  1. This guy is a legacy at his university, but his best friend is still learning the ropes as a newcomer who can’t get into his program of choice. When his best friend bets his entire education on his misfit fraternity winning intramurals, this character reluctantly offers to help, knowing they might have to drop out if this plan goes badly. 
  1. Imagine you didn’t get into McGill, or even Harvard—your safety school. What now? For this character, the answer is to create their own university and fool their parents in the process. It’s easy! All you need is a children’s shoe salesman to teach your ethics class, a friend who can blow up your enemy’s car with his mind, a comp sci student to make your dupe website, and some cash to bribe your little sister to keep her mouth shut. This is legal… right? 
  1. ACAB, but this cop should quit and become a slam poet. Now that’s talent.
  1. This character is a tech-savvy, rebellious media studies major at an Ivy League university where most students are white—she, as well as the film’s three other main characters, are Black. Armed with her intelligence and a campus radio show to snarkily respond to their classmates’ racism, her activism leads to an explosive Halloween party. I guess it’s hard for some people to hear the truth. 
  1. While people now may call this character a lizard man in real life, know that he was once a respectable Harvard student on academic probation. It wasn’t his fault—he was only trying to get revenge on his girlfriend. Of course, that turned into making a creepy rating website for girls in his class, which turned into making a flop dating website for Ivy League schools, which turned into making the biggest social platform of our generation. But who needs friends IRL when you can make friends online?
  1. Whether it’s battling the know-it-alls in class, facing the condescending boyfriend who thinks he’s going to be president, or befriending the he’s-definitely-not-my-type-but-why-am-I-attracted TA, there’s a bit of all us in this student. From California to Massachusetts, they’re all about dedication, loyalty, and the power of believing in yourself, with more than a little sparkle thrown in. Riddle us this: What do you get when you mix impeccable hair-perming knowledge, a trusty sidekick, an unrelenting pursuit of the family rock, and a gleaming French mani? The correct answer: One kick-ass lawyer. 
  1. Imagine this: Elie Saab gowns, high tea at the Ritz, and a boyfriend who doesn’t believe in feelings (other than feeling like “you betrayed him” when all you were trying to do was protect what he cares about most—but now he’s saying you were what he cared about most—but it didn’t look like that way when Jack was here and now… anyway). Who needs class when you have a city to run, princes to fend off, and schemes to be schemed? All with the help of an elusive local blog that can’t get enough of you and your friends. 

Answers: 1. Mindy Meeks-Martin, Scream VI 2. Sully, Monsters University 3. Bartleby Gains, Accepted 4. Schmidt, 22 Jump Street 5. Samantha White, Dear White People 6. Mark Zuckerberg, The Social Network 7. Elle Woods, Legally Blonde 8. Blair Waldorf, Gossip Girl

Joke

That one kid in every conference

by Anders Cairns Woodruff on

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It was another Friday morning spent sitting in the Education building, listening to my peers drone on about economics. I rolled my eyes, opening my bag to find Basic Economics by Thomas Sowell, the only economic education I would need. I had been reading it for a few months. Just as I was about to immerse myself in page two of the foremost intellectual work of our times, I heard a voice from across the room.

“Maybe we should raise the minimum wage,” said a nervous girl. “So many people are having trouble affording housing in Canada.”

Instantly, my killer instinct engaged—I had been challenged. I slid my glasses up my nose as I rose out of my chair. I took a second to compose myself and remembered the last Ben Shapiro ‘SJW DESTROYED’ video I saw before confronting the liberal. 

“Excuse me, I didn’t realize employers were obligated to pay you whatever you want,” I began. “Trudeau’s already made Canada communist, but now you’ve gone too far.”

I continued addressing the girl, her bright blue hair falling across her face as she withdrew in fear. But hiding behind her bangs was not going to save her from my wrath.

“Besides,” I continued, “it’s well-known that the more you make an employer pay, the fewer people they will hire—or did you not know that either?”

“Wait,” interjected the TA as the girl’s eyes filled with tears, “this is a third-year course, everyone knows about labour mark–”

I turned to face the TA. “And you! You’ve filled our minds with nothing but liberal gibberish this entire term. I know you’ve made up half of the concepts we needed to learn. Tragedy of the Commons? Really? Liberal bullshit!” 

The class slowly began recovering from its initial shock at my righteous rebuttal. The initial commenter’s friend, surely an emasculated “male feminist,” decided he would try to defend her honour.

“Actually, a majority of economists now thi—”

“You mean a majority of charlatans,” I sneered, careful to not be put on the defensive, just as Ben Shapiro had taught me. “You probably think the Moon Landing happened too, don’t you, sheeple?” The entire room burst into laughter, delighted that I had given the soyboy such a witty tongue-lashing.

Finally, my real prey entered the fray. The pierced communist I had always despised finally looked up from her book (how dare she read in a conference!). “But Karl Marx said—”

“You mean the well-known antisemite?!” I responded. “I didn’t know you loved racists. For my part, I only read Thomas Jefferson and Sir John A. Macdonald.”

Finally, the class began to understand my vast intellect. The women all wanted me, and the men all wanted to be me.

“Maybe if you listened to The Daily Wire, like I do, you’d understand,” I continued, “but you’re all too busy worrying about how Big Pharma tells you viruses are real.” I adjusted the bald eagle pin on my sportscoat and sat back down, leaving the class totally silent.

Suddenly, applause broke out across the room. Only my interlocutors sobbed silently. The applause grew louder and louder until I could hear no more. I grinned as I put on my coat—it was time to go outside and confront some more snowflakes.

Joke, Student Life

A labour of love

by Abby McCormick, Mahnoor Chaudhry, and Matthew Molinaro on

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Times are tough, fellow McGillians. It seems like Tinder, Bumble, and Hinge just aren’t doing the trick anymore—they’re all tricks themselves without any treats. The same faces repeat, over and over: How often do you need to scroll through blurry mirror selfies of George, U3 Mech Eng, a moderate from Laval who “likes” callisthenics, or clustered candids of Karlynn, U2 Nursing, from NDG who eats raw food and loves Taylor Swift before you make a change? The McGill Tribune’s Student Life team has collectively got your single back––here’s how to make LinkedIn (or LinkedIn Pro) your first stop for career and couple advancement.

Comment me your comment baby, I know who you are 

While it may initially seem intimidating, the best way to show your affection for your newly-found professional (and soon-to-be romantic) connection is none other than the LinkedIn comments section. As soon they post about a new position or career opportunity, this is your time to shine. Start off by congratulating them and letting them know just how impressive their new position is—but of course, it’s not quite as impressive as your latest VP Finance position at The McGill Investment Club, which you would be happy to help them get involved in if they’re interested. 

Make sure your crush knows that you want to get to know them in more than just a professional setting, so offer them some subtle hints in your comment that you might be interested in a date. Mini golf, anyone??

To add that little bit of flirtatious energy, winky faces will be your best friend, so be sure to end your message with one…or three. And if you really wanna show off your financial stability, remember that the LinkedIn Pro badge can’t hurt.

Targeted for the very first time

When you’ve mastered the art of the cute comment, you must shape the course of your interactions. Set the scene by targeting them, implicitly or explicitly, in your postings. Career transitions might just be the new thirst traps. You don’t even need to wait to strike after you post your internship at Raytheon. Start talking about the privilege you have to join the family environment at Deloitte. It’ll make you seem like a provider, with the security to start your future together. You worked hard for this position, so ensure that you have a sweaty picture of yourself in your thread, captioned “Sleep? Never heard of it!” Your crush will know that you’re available at all hours of the day and that you put your best, and most tired, foot forward. Make at least five references to McGill’s work hard/play hard culture and five humble jokes that the “play hard” was your favourite part. The more humour, the better.

Your acknowledgements will be the place to shine. Don’t hesitate to tag your beloved in the list of people who helped you: Your local bartender, the students who bring down class averages, Big Suze, end of list. Saying “And @ Leslie, we don’t know each other but let’s be real, you got me to Lockheed Martin” is the new “u up.”

And I am a direct message girl

When all this groundwork is done, prepare your professional writing skills to type out the most sensually charged advertisement for a job and slide it into their blue box. Make sure to clearly outline what is required for the role, such as good communication skills, the ability to multitask, three developmental experiences, etc., as well as what duties you expect them to perform on a daily (or weekly basis)—that I will leave up to you to decide. In the midst of sponsored messages, therefore, your tailor-made listing (titled perhaps ‘Emotional Support Intern’) will be sure to arouse a curious excitement, especially when it comes to turning it into a full-time role—provided that their performance is above average, of course. 
Remember that for this to work, you should be fully committed to the process because, once that job is accepted, all of LinkedIn must be informed through an award-winning announcement post. After all, a cringe-worthy declaration is the only way to show the world that you are theirs, solely and forever bound.

Joke, Science & Technology

Asbestos, the best therapy animal

by Eliza Wang on

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Look no further, fellow McGillians, our struggles have come to an end.

We at The McGill Tribune are pleased to announce the recruitment of a new therapy animal, commonly known by its endearing name asbestos, who is easily accessible to students and faculty alike. No need to schedule a visit to the Wellness Hub—all you have to do is take a stroll to the Stewart Biology Building at the downtown campus, or really any available university building for our readers over at Macdonald campus. Seek, and ye shall find yourself spending quality time with our new campus pet, free of charge.

Do take a moment and appreciate the brilliance of this solution. Instead of spending more money on improving our student wellness services or renovating deteriorating buildings (as any sane post-secondary institution would do) our beloved university is offering a unique, yet cost-effective opportunity to form deeper connections with this historic species, one who has accompanied us for decades, keeping our homes, workplaces, and schools warm. 

Forget about the ludicrous prices of food on campus. Forget about all the financial strains and potential eating disorders it causes. Forget about the utter lack of physician or psychiatrist appointments available at the Hub.

Asbestos will make all these inconveniences seem trivial. 

It’s free. It’s omnipresent. It’s used in everything, from heat-proofing to poisoning every single living creature in the building. It is a carcinogen that can cause a range of deadly diseases—giving the pharmacology majors something to work with—making it a leading supporter of student research on campus.

But these are just a few of the benefits asbestos has to offer. By recruiting asbestos as our campus pet, McGill indoctrinates us into an age-old Quebec tradition: True immersion in Canada’s largest asbestos mining province. Without travelling all the way to the infamous mining town of Asbestos, QC, we are privileged enough to interact with asbestos first-hand, right in the heart of Montreal.

Plus, it’s like playing a game of Russian roulette. Every time you go to class, you get to experience the butterflies of not knowing if you will be diagnosed with lung cancer 40 years down the line, all because you walked into an asbestos-filled building back in your days at McGill. Then again, those butterflies could be asbestos taking root, saying “hi, I’m here for the ride.”

Some critics, however amateur, have noted dangers associated with asbestos exposure. But according to a totally unbiased McGill study back in the 1970s, Dr. John Corbett McDonald at the School of Occupational Health determined that being an asbestos miner is just fine and poses no health concern whatsoever. 

So, the next time someone tries to convince you that asbestos is dangerous and should be eradicated, just remember how it has seen us through thick and thin, how it’s been a pillar of our community, how it’s proven itself to be much more accessible and generous than mandatory meal plans, Students’ Society of McGill University Studentcare coverage, or any other student services McGill has to offer. 

Asbestos has been a part of our lives for so long that it’s practically a member of the community. Who among us will not have fond memories of dragging our feet through asbestos-infested halls, or breathing in its sweet, carcinogenic dust while battling our inner demons during a lecture? Asbestos is a part of McGill’s history, our culture, our very being. Who needs health and safety when you can have cheap and life-threatening therapy sessions with asbestos? It truly is the campus pet that keeps on giving.

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